“Do you ever just sit in silence?” I was asked this question last weekend. It is a powerful one. I answered that I did not. In fact I dislike silence. Silence makes me feel uncomfortable. I start to think about far too many things. Not to mention about all the feelings that pass through my heart. No! Silence is not for me!

How it happened? How it came to be that I dislike silence, even though I preached about it in many of my poetry?  I think, due to the traumatic experiences in my past, it became my survival mechanism to fill every nook and cranny, every second of my life with sound. If there is music in the background, I can avoid whatever feeling or thought comes to mind. A very effective way to outrun myself, if I may say so myself. But it is a funny thing how, as a writer, I can write about so many things, while I do not accept any of the words myself. Maybe, that is the reason I have not had much success as a writer yet. I write a lot, but when it comes down to it, I do not write about the things that I struggle with. I have used so many pretty words, but it never really changed who I am. There I said it.

The poetry is still excellent, but when I was asked that question, I was confronted with myself. For the first time in what seems forever, I could not outrun myself. As a matter of fact, it was Jesus himself who asked me this question. Jesus stopped me in my tracks as I turned on the radio once again to fill the void with sound. It was His voice booming in my heart. It was His voice that asked me, “Do you ever just sit in silence?” Even my chaotic, ever-avoiding mind stopped at the moment He asked me. That moment, that question came like an arrow through my heart, everything stopped.

Even my answer is still ringing in my mind like an alarm that is trying to remind me that something is wrong. “No”, I said, “I do not like silence.” It was out before I knew it. But that is the thing, sometimes when the truth cannot hide any longer, we cannot prevent it from coming out, especially with Jesus. We cannot avoid the reality. We can hide it for a little while, but the truth will always come out! So, there I was, in my pajamas, in my bedroom, looking around at what just happened. And just like that, the soft voice of my Lord and Savior filled my heart again ever so gently, “I know, that is the problem.”

That is indeed the problem! Sometimes you need the only person who will never hide the truth from you, to stop you, turn you around, and say it just as it is. In my case, that is Jesus. He is the only one who will drop the bomb of truth on the house of my heart when I need it.

The problem with silence is that it forces me to face myself. I am the only person, I am desperately trying to avoid. Why? I do not always like myself, I hate my anxiety disorder, and last but not least I have felt like a big disappointment my entire life. I am the one, I am trying to outrun. But outrunning myself will never help me to change, and grow as a woman. In fact, it has even been preventing me from writing lately. I am realizing, I need the silence from time to time. I need to turn off my radio, CD-player, and my phone. I need to grab a cup of tea or coffee, sit down somewhere in the silence. It is the silence that allows God to speak to my heart. It is the silence that allows my heart to deal with the situations I have not dealt with yet. It is the silence that allows my mind to get creative. This I read in the book ‘Atomic Habits’ by James Clear.  It is the silence where the magic happens.

So, here I am. Trying to take a moment of reflection. I take a good look at myself and determine that outrunning myself is not helping me. I have to embrace the silence, and when I am at it, I have to embrace myself. No more running away of how I feel. No more escaping myself when it is time to face who I am. I embrace silence. Or at least I try.

In this fast-paced-world we live in today, I believe not many people embrace silence. I think, many outrun themselves just like me. In today’s society we have to be somebody, our life needs to go somewhere, preferably somewhere rich and fancy. When in fact, what we really need is a moment of silence. A moment where the world stops, and allows us to breathe. We need to breathe. We need to let go of that perfect picture the world is creating in our mind. We need to let go! We need to breathe, and be ourselves. We need silence to figure out who we are and where we are going.

So, I am asking you to take a break! I am asking you to go to the kitchen, make yourself a cup of tea or coffee. I want you to walk to a place in your house where you can be alone. Are you there? Good! Now, for the next five minutes, embrace the silence. Whatever feeling or thought comes to you, let it happen. Let your tears fall, let your frustration be present for a moment. Feel the contentment, the gratitude fill your heart and mind. And if you need it. Say the name ‘Jesus. Just say His name. He is there with you, in the silence. You are not alone! Sometimes we need silence. So, embrace it! Embrace this wonderful moment of serenity! You deserve it!