The first-born view

The first-born view

 In front of the south gate,
the platform shows a change –
nature made room for a city.

I miss the green grass smile at me,
and my heart longs for the first-born view.

Sitting on the edge my feet swing,
on the angelic melody that soothes my soul.

Discomfort is born out of fear,
preventing my heart to settle down,
for this view is more than I ever saw before.

Searching for stability in this dizzying sight,
Your eyes interlock with mine,
and Your smile sends a heartwarming invitation.

Standing at the top of the stairway,
I wonder if I can let go,
of everything I ever knew.

Born in the first-born view,
is the request for change.

Inside the shell

Inside the shell

I am a pearl inside a shell.
Who will open me up?

Effortless footprints,
are washed away by the sea.
Who will bring them back?

Forgotten memories,
are like sprouted seeds.
Who will plant the seedlings?

If only the flower could grow,
on the breath of the wind,
she wouldn’t lose her petals in the storm.

Now I must learn to walk again,
but I cannot find the cane.
Who will teach me the steps?

If healing would have a guideline,
we would not need the Hands.
We would not know the Love.

Only Love can plant the seedlings.
Only patience can let it grow.
But the pearl can only be seen,
if I learn to see the effortless footprints,
inside the shell.

 

The only sense of true reality

The only sense of true reality

In the deafening silence,
when all time stands still,
the world stops turning,
around its own axis,
and the image freezes in the snow.

Breaking through dimensions,
Your voice pierces through time,
like a bolt of light,
breaking through the earth.
But only I can hear You.

Gentleness is a strength,
in a size unable to measure.
How can a mountain fit in a box?
How can a house fit in a purse?
The inability to hold reality,
confuses the mind,
until it meets the inability,
to understand.

But when I hear Your voice,
Your vision is the only reality,
that I truly understand.
Your gentleness is the only coat,
that seems to fit.

Nobody wants to hear me.
Nobody seems to understand,
the truth of this reality.
They hold on to the bricks,
in a fear to fall down the cliff.
I wish they could see,
that the ground is only one feet,
underneath their own reality.

Love is guidance,
where you learn to let go.
Kicking the dust of my feet,
my focus shifts back to You,
the only sense of true reality.

Jerusalem

A couple of years ago I sat down with Revelations 21 and turned it into a poem. The reason I did this is my love for God the Father, Jesus and Heaven. With all the visions that God showed me in my mind, the words of Revelation 21 are simply amazing. There is such hope and beauty in these words. One day God will establish a new Jerusalem where there will always be peace and love. Isn’t that something to look forward to?
That day we will all be living with Jesus and God the Father in this gorgeous paradise. Personally I can’t wait! This perspective inspired these words. And I hope that it will inspire you too.

Jerusalem

 Jerusalem, Jerusalem,
Dear city made of gold.
Your doors of pearl,
they shine so bright,
it’s more than can behold.

Jerusalem, Jerusalem,
descending from above,
dressed like a bride,
your mighty glow,
is bringing me God’s love.

Jerusalem, Jerusalem,
with gemstones you are dressed,
you give us peace,
We praise the Lord,
For He has made you blessed.

Jerusalem, Jerusalem,
No longer can we wait,
Let’s change our hearts,
and praise the Lord,
before it is too late.

My greatest love

This poem is my love letter to God the Father. He is the greatest love I ever knew and will ever know. Dearly Beloved Father, I love You!

My greatest love.

The dawn shouts words of praise,
the sunset sings her songs of joy,
angel voices move the waves,
of Your oceans filled with love and grace.
If I would count the grains of sand,
to show the world how great You are,
The world would not be big enough,
the beaches not to wide and far.

You are my candle in the darkness,
my sun and moon up in the sky,
combined with all the twinkling stars,
Your heart shines in my darkest night.
You guide my way throughout my life,
with You I walk through fear and grief.
My protection is Your shining light,
Your whispering words  my great relief.

You are the oxygen that fills my lungs,
the blood that streams through all my veins,
My heart beats only when You want it to,
I find all my tears upon Your face.
With every fiber of my heart and soul,
I trust my life upon You,
You are my dearly beloved Father,
the greatest love I ever knew.

 

On a difficult journey

My heart is like a vase and last thursday it shattered into a million shards. Last thursday was the day my mother heard that her cancer is malignant. It has already spread throughout her body. The cancer is not just in her neck but also in her lungs, liver, behind her sternum and in her brain. In one single moment, my world came crashing down. My heart broke and tears kept coming. How I feel today?
Today, five days later, I still don’t exactly know how I feel. One moment I feel relatively calm, and the next I feel broken. My mother has been given several months, whatever that means, but at this point I rather lay it in God’s hands. I am grateful for every day that I still get with her, but sometimes the fear and hurt of losing her stabs me right in the heart. There are no words that can adequately describe how I feel, but this kind of sums it up.

To my surprise I don’t feel angry. So many people suffer from cancer, we are not alone in this battle. But I do feel a certain unjust. My mother is the sweetest soul that ever lived and her heart for others is so big. In my heart it feels unfair that this had to happen to her. So many questions flutter through my mind. Questions that I will most likely never get an answer to. Questions that probably don’t even matter now. And even though I will never get an answer, I am still not angry. God is with us. Even now, in this extremely unfair moment. God will carry us through this. God will carry my mom, my dad, my brothers, my sisters-in-law, my nephews, my nieces and myself through this. I trust Him, even when trusting feels really hard to do.

Right after my mom had her very first puncture (she had two), I had a conversation with Jesus early in the morning. I told Him that I was worried about my mom. He said, “Your mother will be fine, don’t worry about her. She is going to be okay”. For me, the definition of,  “she is going to be okay”, meant that she was going to be healthy. So when we got the news last thursday, that she was given several months, I was downright angry at Jesus. I yelled at Him and said, “You promised. You said that she was going to be okay”. This was so difficult for me. How can Jesus say that my mom is going to be fine, if she is going to die? I needed some time to process this.
After two days both my dad and God the Father helped me to come to terms with this. What both of them told me is, your definition of good is different that God’s definition of good. God the Father reminded me of what I know of Heaven and  reminded me how good it is to be there. Whatever happens – even when she is going to Heaven- she IS going to be okay. Jesus was telling me the truth, even when the truth was really hard to accept.

The truth is still hard to accept though. In my mind, I am the best person to take care of my mom. What I have to learn is that Jesus is the best person to take care of my mom, not me! This will take a lot of time and effort on my part. I am still sad at times and I still need time to process everything that happened this past week. Luckily Jesus loves me so much that He is more than willing to give me that time. Besides I can always talk to Him and He is always there to answer my questions, give me His love and to wrap me up in His loving embrace when I need it. I will come out of this so much stronger, but the road to victory sure is a difficult one.

For now I am grateful for every day that I still get with my mom. She has no pain at the moment, her rheum is the only pain she has. She feels good and is still able to do her daily activities. We pray for many more of these days and we pray for no pain. And I hope you will pray with us. These days are difficult but with God by our side, we will make it through this.

Happy Easter!

This poem I wrote a couple of years ago. It is about Mary Magdalene’s story on Easter morning. I hope you like it! I wish you a wonderful Easter. May God bless you!

Mary Magdalene

Can you see her walking,
there on that lonely lane?
Can you hear the angels talking,
about her inconsolable pain?

Questions rising in her mind,
tears streaming down her face.
Where He is, she cannot find,
Her heart is searching for that place.

Then suddenly that question,
who are you looking for?
Taken with the wrong impression,
The gardener he must be for sure.

If only she could get to him,
If only He would name the place,
But through that broken pain within,
She doesn’t recognise His face!

Her name still echoes in her head,
But her heart can clearly see,
Her Lord is risen from the dead,
Just like He said that it would be!

Fight or Flight

When life gets chaotic, fear sets in and we lose sight of the horizon. Tears blur our vision and we sometimes lose all clarity. Our fearful thoughts start to take over and for a moment we lose all control. We lose control over our emotions, feelings, thoughts, hopes and dreams. In those moments we often feel miles away from God, even though God is still standing right next to us. When life becomes negative, we fight to keep our positive. Yet sometimes we lose ourselves in our grieve.

Last thursday I heard that my mom has cancer. She has a big lump in her neckline. We don´t know whether it is benign or malicious. Last thursday she had a large number of tests and upcoming thursday she hears the results. The doctor still hopes that he is wrong and quite frankly, so do I. When my dad called me with the news, it felt as if the earth opened underneath me. As if someone sucked all the air out of my lungs and I cried for at least three hours. After losing my grandmother a couple of weeks ago, this news was absolutely devastating. So many thoughts cross your mind. And like I said, it took control over my mine. It still does by the way. The thought of my mother dying is one I do not want to have and yet the possibility comes fearfully close to me. I still need her you know. I may be a 31 year old woman but I still need my mom. Her love, support and guidance. Our time together drinking coffee-tea at the mall (I am a tea drinker, no coffee for me), our conversations, our joy. At a moment when you hear that someone has cancer, the thought of death strikes like a dagger through your heart. You just can’t help it. For hours I felt lost, sad and frightened. Thoughts raced through my mind and I have never felt more out of control, as I have felt at that particular moment. Until one thought came to the surface and I had a choice. The thought was; she isn’t dead yet! And at that moment I had a choice. Am I going to fight? Or am I going to flight?

According to my brother, and I agree, we can do two things in a time when life creates a major earthquake underneath our feet. We can fight or we can flight. When we flight we crawl into a corner and cry. We let life pass us by and we lose all hope. When we do this, hope is indeed lost because when we give up, we also give up on hope. And when we give up on hope, we lose everything including our life.
Or we can fight. When we fight, we fight for hope. Hope keeps us on our feet when we cannot stand. Hope keeps the air in our lungs when we cannot breath. Hope gives life when we feel we already lost it. The most victorious moments all have hope incommon. The people who survive are the people who keep their hope alive.
So what do you do? What do you do when life stumbles and all hope seems lost?

I chose to fight. That one thought was the trigger for me to chose to fight. The thought, she isn’t dead yet! The fact that she is still alive gives hope. But their is also someone else that gives me hope. His name is Jesus and He is the Son of God. If you read the bible, you can read all about His healing powers. When life creates earthquakes I pray because when I pray, Jesus gives me the strength to keep going, the hope to keep hoping and the love to pull me through the moment. I pray for healing, for strength, for guidance and I know that He hears me. Jesus is my hope. God the Father is my hope. The Holy Spirit is my hope. God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are the ones that keep me going in moments like this. They keep me on my feet and they keep my feet moving, one step at the time. They whisper hope into my heart and love into my soul.

What will happen next is still unknown. We still have to wait for the results of the tests but my mom is going to need surgery regardless of the outcome. This is an uncertain time in our lives. I keep on praying for complete healing. I will keep on fighting for the ones I love. When Jesus died for us on that cross, He was fighting for us. And in His memory I fight for those around me. Jesus was the best example to show what to do in times of trial. He showed that you fight. You fight with love as your greatest weapon. Love will lead us to victory, regardless of the outcome. Love will always be the answer! Love will always be the greatest medicine to all our needs. And with Jesus by our side, we (my mom) will win this battle! Love if the greatest answer, even if it is the hardest choice we ever made.

A little reminder

Reminder.

Through the storms of yesterday,
I am facing the unknown,
and Your love throughout the ages,
is all that I’ve been shown.

So why am I complaining,
about the burdens of today?
why the tears of hopelessness,
when I just don’t understand the way?
Why the constant worrying,
about the questions of tomorrow?
why do I look at what the other has,
to then drown my heart in sorrow?
Why do I focus on the ugly side,
about all of me that isn’t right?
Why do I listen to the darkness,
when there is so much love within the light?
Why do I let the pain and grief,
always hold me in its grip?
Why don’t I take a lifeboat,
on a quickly sinking ship?

If life is so much easier,
when I accept a helping hand.
If my heart is filled with happiness,
when I don’t always have to understand.
If perfect isn’t perfect,
or something to pursue.
If laughter really is the medicine,
the only way to get me through.
If the sun is always shining,
behind the clouds of storm and rain.
If  I’m not the one who’s carrying,
all my hurt and grief and pain.
If there is One who gave his life,
because He simply loved me so.
If I really can, by praying,
let all my worries go.

Then I should really be ashamed,
for the lack of praise and gratitude.
because after everything You showed me,
I’ve shown a sinful attitude.
Help me to replace my shame,
with the lessons of today,
so next time I will be reminded,
to always trust my Father’s way.

Patience

Patience is one characteristic that I do not manage completely. In the cue at the pay desk I can be very patient. When I was still a health care nurse in retirement homes, patience was my middle name. But when it comes up to God’s plan in my life, I am not so very patient. This afternoon for example I have been working on a new project. It was an idea that I already had for a little while. And even though I am a very positive person who does not easily give up, my patience was tested to the limit. Nothing I tried worked! And that brought a lot of impatience and frustration.
You see, sometimes I just don’t understand it. If God wants me to publish a book, be a writer, couldn’t He just cooperate a little?  Lately I have been feeling as if everything just does not seem to work out. Very frustrating. Especially since I have been trying to do the best I can.

The thing is that I care about my work. Which is funny because when I started writing as a child, I didn’t like it so much. I was good at writing and it matched a melody deep in my heart. My love for writing had to grow. Which it did. Especially the last six and a half years it did. Writing has not just been a way to express my feelings. It is also a way to communicate with God. To me writing is all emotions expressed. It is sadness, joy, honesty, growth. Writing is the air I breath and the blood that streams through my veins. Even though it did not start out that way, it grew over the years. More and more I am facing the fact that writing fits me. When Jesus called me at the age of five, I didn’t quite understand why He wanted me to write but now I do.

Today I agree with Him completely. He chose the perfect job for me. The only thing I lack to understand is why nothing seems to work out. If Jesus wants me to write a book than why does He seem so far away in making it happen? People say that I am very intelligent and my faith is extraordinary but some things I just don’t understand. And my lack of understanding makes me frustrated. The essence; the root of impatience is a lack of understanding!

And I would love to understand. I would love to see the truth in all this. Trust me I have prayed over and over again for insight…for the truth…but so far the Heavens have remained so silent that you could hear a pin drop. No answer only silence.
I know many Christians would say, “Sweetie you just need to have faith”, but you know what, that is easier said than done. I have been waiting for such a long time now. Waiting, fighting, searching for answers and solutions with perseverance and faith. And yet it has not been enough.

This really makes one doubt its mission. But looking back at my life, and the things Jesus and the Father told me, I know with 100% certainty that I am on the right track. Jesus once said that the only path that leads to eternal life is the small path. Well I can safely say that my path really is a narrow one, where I sometimes wonder if God will leave some space for me to walk. But I have to believe it. I have to believe that God will keep His promise. The way I see it is that satan will do everything he can to keep us away from God. It is not God that keeps me from succeeding but it is satan. And if I give but one inch, I will lose this entire battle. Like I said, I am positive and persevering. I do not give up. Not now, not ever! I will keep on fighting for God, for my life, for my mission, my work. I will finish this race-with-so-many-hurdles. Even if the road sometimes makes me stop, cry and wonder if the finish line will every be in sight, I will not give up. Patience is something I can learn and if it takes me a lifetime to learn it, I will do just that!