After I saw a video on the BBC about the situation in India, I wrote this poem. It is the grief in my own heart that I have felt since my mother passed away, almost three years ago, of cancer, combined with the grief I saw in that video and the grief that I know exists all around the world. Losing someone is so painful, undescribable in words, but please know that rays of hope glimmer at the horizon! xox Gineke
My heart contracts in pain, as tear drops trickle down the veins, forcing primal cries from the depths, of my shattered soul staring at me, in the broken mirror reflections on the floor.
My hands lifted you up in love, carried you around a desolated city, searching for one heart willing to help, but the silence has fired back at me, like a thousand knives stabbing me, in a defenseless attack I cannot win!
I am holding your picture in my hands, unable to understand how this happened, yet fully aware that death can come knocking, at my own front door at any time, so I close the door and wonder why, the future has abandoned us this time?
As the sun comes up in the east, the first rays of hope move across the land, like little drops of gold being spread, and I cannot wait for the sun in the sky, bringing a rainbow into my hands, where memory and hope can blend, in a healing heart that will one day learn, how to give her love once again.
You look back at me, and I intently stare at you, until I figure out your soul.
To understand the essence, of the deepest core of your being, would be a life lesson to me, so, I decide to paint a picture, until I have grasped, who you really are.
Your face radiates a comfort, I have never seen before, that tells me about a peace, I have never really felt.
Your face, is a radiance of joy, as if your heart is celebrating, a feast I have never heard of.
Only now do I realize, that you are a stranger to me, and yet so extremely familiar.
Your smile, lights up the darkest room, and it is the one asset, that I adore about you. To see the light sparkle, in your blue-grey eyes, is a gift of joy, to anyone who beholds it.
I am slowly starting to love you, and a desire shapes in my heart, to make friends with you, something I never really wanted.
Maybe the only way to love you, is by getting to know you, in this private setting, where you stand naked, before my own eyes, and the only thing I can do, is admire you for smiling, despite the many scars!
A flower growing between the cold stone rocks – in temperatures that reach far below zero, and where even the animals do not choose to live, still survives on the strength within, that searches for life in the midst of an expected death, that is who I really am!
It is not the hope or the love that forces me to go on, but the ever-present reluctancy to give up. A faith that lives deep inside of me, tells me everyday that there has got to be more. More than this endless suffering, more than this heart-wrenching pain, that forces my pillow to catch my tears in the night, and my soul to hide them during the day.
A Force that is bigger than all of this – bigger than our entire universe, is what the last piece of my heart holds onto. All I hope for is that this Force, takes my pain and nails it on that cross, where it can die along with my tears, to restore the hope, born from love, that establishes a fountain of joy, within every corner of my heart!
Purple dresses reflect sunlight, wrapped in red sashes they reflect the soul. Golden bracelets start joyful music, where feet dance to the melody of the heart. I look at her auburn hair, bouncing on the light steps of her life. I hear her laughter like sweet melodies. She is a reminder of a past life, which formed the start of my current journey. A trip to faraway places, where sweet spices make me dream, and foreign languages fill my heart with wonder. I walk into the Ganges river and submerge, to resurface in the river Jordan, where I start my pilgrimage to Rome. My feet dance on the sound of tambourine. I fall asleep on relaxing soprano melodies. This journey brings me back to life, as past, present, and future collide, in a beautiful array of colors, that reflect every essence of my soul. I am more than I currently know, more real than any dream I ever dreamed before. And as I await the gates of Heaven, I know, my life was lived to the fullest, in the utmost sense of joy!
Sometimes it is a miracle, that the cracked house still stands. Exfoliated paint has dimmed, the always lively outer walls. Crumbled wall joints have given, the luxury estate a poor appearance. The door hangs in the frame, showing the many break ins, this house has had to endure, and when entering, the emptiness proves the robberies, of this dilapidated mansion. Antique pink walls hint the past, of parties with women in fancy dresses, drinking champagne and cocktails, whose spirits now haunt, this desolated, empty place. Where have they gone, I wonder?
A painting falls down the wall, one from the baroque period, that surprisingly still shows, every detail of the painters work. I am lost in this castle, with its empty spaces and walls, and the many cobwebs, covering the ceiling – even the spiders have left. There is nothing left for me, and a little bird on the window sill, tells me it is time to leave.
Against all the voice, telling me to say goodbye, there is one asking me to stay, for even a house in this broken state, has a chance of coming back to life.
Love is a force, with unbreakable strength, that can make a flower bloom, in the middle of the winter. When you collect this force, that is deep within your heart, miracles will begin to happen, and even an old dilapidated house, can arise from its ashes!
My eyelids are weak, my back is soar, and the early morning, forces me to scream. I want to see the dawn, with a colorful sunrise, and tea to start my day. Instead the day calls me, with heavy stones, and whiplashes breaking, the fragile skin of my body. My mind has become numb – I stop the thinking, as soon as I wake up, in order to prevent, the evil thoughts, from crashing in on me, leaving scars on a heart, that is already broken. I protect myself from a world, who has abandoned me, at the first breath of my youth, for reasons I cannot comprehend. Even the Heavens have gone silent, unable to utter another word, that could possibly encourage me. The streets and bridges are empty. Only a handful of birds, dare to cross the sky, unbothered by the disarray, taking place beneath them. My first breath in the morning, which feels like the first breath, of a terrified newborn child, should be the one of a happy, innocent child filled with wonder, and glee of the future, but cheerfully present in the day. Instead I wonder about the changes, and improvisations I could make, to enhance my chances on a market, that has put me in the box, of misfits not pretty enough to sell. Like the crooked cucumber, that did not make the final cut, to the runway of the supermarket. But no matter how I put it down, in beautifully crafted words, to explain my small mistakes, not one is good enough, to force me to hide away. I want to be my authentic self, in a world of so many that look, and behave exactly the same, in a society that does not expect, anything less than that. I want to rise above the crowd, of people so alike, to show this world the beauty, of standing out. The worth in my soul, wins it every single time, of the desire to fit in. So even if I have to live, this one life I have been given, in the company of myself, I shall be happy, for the only thing worse, than complete loneliness, is to be forced to kill, my beautiful self.
My lips are painful and dry, as if I have been walking, through the desert for weeks. Now I am longing for streams of water, surrounding my body and soul. For the wind to lift me up, and give me wings like angels, so I can rise above myself – to see myself from a new perspective, if only these glasses were helping me! I spend my days in meditation, where a continuous flow of words, makes her way from my heart to yours. Gratitude is what I always learned, but now I am longing for more, because I feel that I am ready, to open my heart and fly, out of this desert into the promised land, I am ready to soar!
When the land is in sight, after an endless journey, my heart fills with joy, until I remember, that the last steps, are usually the hardest. With the sweat on my brow, I cry silent tears, in my hopeless heart. Is it a fata morgana? An illusion in my mind? In the extreme exhaustion, my heart becomes confused, wondering whether I had it right. Was this the land, the land that God asked me to go to? Or was I mistaken, wrong about everything I thought, God spoke to me in dreams? I pray, first silently, then louder and louder, until my heart screams, “Why have you forsaken me”? The inches I walk become slower, until I stand still in awe of myself, my misunderstanding, my hopes and dreams in something, that might never be. So, now I am at a crossroad. Wondering whether to continue, this extreme endurance, or whether to go back, to the life I knew before. I do not know… So, I wait for the silent whisper, gently encouraging me, to put my one foot, in front of the other, in blind courage, in blind faith, of an invisible God, a promise I cannot see, a situation that seems, impossible. Faith is like a mustard seed, that fell into the ground, and died. As my heart is slowly dying, I know a tree will spring up, in the depth of my heart, with strong roots, able to conquer any storm. Looking around this endless desert, I still see the small houses, shimmering at the horizon, and no matter how impossible it may seem, I know, all I have to do is believe, that those houses, no matter how unreal they seem, are put there for me. Victory comes to those, who choose to go on, when everything inside, tells them to give up! So, I choose victory, in whatever form it comes, so that one day I can tell, a world of disbelief, that the Spirit kept me going, when I could not belief. To God be the glory, for He was with me!
The wonder of birth, will never cease to amaze me. With one gasp of air, we become one with life – the first of many choices, we will ever make on earth.
We breathe, because we love, and because we love, we breathe.
Love and life are connected, more than we ever realize. Without life we cannot love, and without love, we cannot live our life.
If love is so important, so vital in our circle of life, why then do we love so little?
We put ourselves first, without considering, that an empty world, leaves us desolate.
When we are born, we love our mother. Without that love, we die. Why then do we believe, we can live alone, for the rest of our life?
A life without people, is an empty life, for only through people, we can learn, the most selfless love, that has ever existed.
To learn the depths of love, we must be willing, to look beyond ourselves. For in the beginning of life, we did not love ourselves first, NO, our first love, belonged to our mother.
For most of my life, I was bullied, emotionally abused, rejected, and I had/have so little friends that I believed that I was better off alone. This year nearly took my life, not by COVID-19 but by loneliness. When one is rejected and alone for so long, one can get the idea that life alone is the only option. That is why I always said to myself, “It is me and God against the world”, believing there was nobody out there for me. But during the pandemic, I have learned that this is a lie. Humans are created to live together in whatever shape or size that is. The walls are slowly coming down around me and even though I am still finding my place in this life, the growth I have experienced was necessary and so important. That was the sole reason for this poem. Nobody is supposed to live a life alone! No one! And yet, there are so many, like me, who face this struggle every day. I am so blessed with my immediate family but there are those who have no one! Let us take the coming holiday season to look out for those who are alone! Give them something to look forward to. Give them love, a place at your table, a place in your life. You have no idea what it will mean to them! xox Gineke.