Broken Dreams

Broken dreams

As the fallen snow turns into ice,
the freezing cold blows me away,
forcing an ice-age into the summer,
where icicles melt in the desert heat,
and water is a burden instead of a relief.

My eyes hurt with burning pains,
the tears have turned into dry salt,
while fire burns my skin to the bone.
I’m blaming the snow-storm in the desert,
for its lack of interest in the growing pains.
Selfishness is always the beginning of nothing,
but when I search for something,
selfishness comes knocking at my door.

My life has never been my own,
no matter how I wrestled with the universe,
it never chose my side in the storm.
Now I’m fighting thin air on the steep slope,
beating me into the thick trees on the road.

As I lay down in the snow and pray,
the daisies cheer me up with their mandolin music,
and the sun warms my face with peace,
until Love breaks the centre of my soul,
and thick teardrops work its way down,
for the broken dreams I never wanted to give up.

Bring back my broken dreams,
and plant them in the ground,
to grow them into rose bushes.
So my dreams will never get lost in the snow,
and my teardrops are not a waste in the universe.
Give them a place in Your paradise,
so Your children can find their way home.

Broken dreams 

 

Miracles in midst of grieve

How do I speak, when the words get stuck in my heart? It has been 11 months since my mother passed away. I have told you about how much pain it has caused me, but I have remained silent about the miracles God did for me surrounding my mother’s death.

I don’t know where to start really. The pain is still intense. I have moments where I feel as if I can handle it, but I also have moments where I silently wish her to come back. I miss my best friend, I miss our conversations, I miss her love and her hugs, I literally miss everything about her!

But that is not the reason why I wanted to write this blog. When my mother passed away some amazing things happened. I rarely talk about it but at some point, I have too and there is no better time than the present.

Before my mother passed away, or even became sick, death was a very scary thing for me. When I was a teenager, I had some traumatic experiences during my grandparents’ deaths. I was always somewhat forced to watch them in their coffin, even when I didn’t want to. It caused me to get nightmares and ever since I haven’t been able to see someone who is diseased. When I was still working in retirement homes, years ago, I had to, but it always came with a huge amount of fear. So, when my mother heard she got cancer and not more than 4 months to live, I already started to panic. I live with my parents and my mother really wanted to stay at home until the funeral. For months I told everyone that I didn’t want to see her after she passed. I didn’t even want to be around the coffin, I was so scared. The miracle happened, the moment my mother passed away. God took all my fear away from me in the blink of an eye. Without thinking I walked over to her, touched her head and said goodbye. My brother and my dad were stunned. The girl who was so scared, did the unthinkable. God gave me the strength to say goodbye to my mom, before and, after she passed away. It was the first miracle.

But the miracles kept coming. Not only did I touch her after she passed. I also was able to see her in her coffin and to be at home until the funeral. All the fear I had built up throughout my life was gone. I was no longer afraid of death. God healed the trauma from my youth exactly at the right moment. But that’s not all.

I had prayed to God before my mother’s funeral, if God wanted to help me not to cry. I know it sounds a bit weird maybe, but I wanted to experience every part of the funeral. I didn’t want a single moment to be a blur. I wanted to know who came, what songs we sang, the words that were said, everything. On the day of the funeral I only cried twice. When mom was carried out of the house and when her body was in the ground and we said our last goodbye. In between I didn’t shed one single tear. God had answered my prayer. He had allowed me to experience everything and it was beautiful. Exactly the way my mother would have wanted it to be. At some point my sister-in-law asked me why I didn’t have to cry, since everybody else was, but I simply couldn’t. God had taken all my tears for that day as an answer to my prayer. But that’s not all. There is one more miracle.

After my mother’s funeral, for two months, I kept getting a vision. Every time I felt like breaking down, God gave me one vision. It was always the same one. I saw a house. The house was made of a white, glass like material I have never seen here on earth. It was a big farm-villa-mansion type house. The material looked exactly like the building in the painting ‘Supreme Sanctuary’ by Akiane Kramarik. But this house looked different. The setting was also very different. The house was at the edge of a forest. A small white fence was around the plot. It had green grass and against the house were rose bushes with roses that were bigger than I had ever seen. The roses where red, my mother’s favorite color! Every time I saw this vision, I heard Jesus say, “Do you remember that prayer you prayed when your mother was sick? The one in which you asked me to give her a special place in heaven because she was such a good mother to you? Well, this is it. This is where she is now. She is with me and she is safe. I will take good care of her”. The vision and the words gave me so much comfort that my tears instantly disappeared. It took the edge of my pain. I will Always be thankful to Jesus for the way He helped me in my deepest grieve. He really went out of His way to help me and to comfort me.

Jesus performed miracles when I needed Him most. He didn’t heal my mother like I wanted to and yes that made me angry. But He did help me through the pain. This is the reason why I wanted to share this story of mine. I want you to know that even though Jesus may not answer your prayer, He will help you through the pain. Jesus doesn’t leave you nor forsake you. Jesus is there in your deepest darkest hours, holding you in His arms, wiping your tears away. Jesus loves you, even when He cannot answer your prayer the way that you want Him to. You’re are safe in His presence and He loves you more than you could ever possibly know. Always remember that!

Jesus’ Final Prayer

Jesus’ Final Prayer

Landslides tear my heart in two.
Silently I wait for the tsunami,
to flood my burning heart,
until peace has redeemed it from its pain.

My voice is numbed by the many prayers,
spoken with perseverance and repetition.
But I feel as if Your deaf ears have denied,
my heartfelt request that is always present.

Tears are an undeniable consequence,
to a rejected heart, silenced by fear.
When prayers are left unanswered,
the desert will slowly kill me in my grief.

Where are You, oh Mighty Creator?
Why have You forsaken me?
This cup, too full to drink,
is shaking at my quivering lips.

Now that I have spoken my final prayer,
my final breath escapes my painful lungs,
and in the silent darkness I am fully aware,
I have overcome the greatest test.

Jesus knows how you feel inside. He has been where you are now! In the garden of Gethsemane Jesus prayed to His Father, “Oh My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will”. (Matthew 26:39) Jesus was so afraid of what was coming His way, the suffering and crucifixion, that He sweated drops of blood. An angel had to come to give Him strength, but God didn’t answer His prayer. In fact, God remained silent. Jesus had to suffer for our sins despite His deep fear.

Then on the cross, Jesus prayed His final prayer to His Father by saying, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani”? Which is translated, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me”? (Mark 15:34). Jesus felt abandoned, just like me and you. We all feel abandoned by God at times, especially when we desperately need Him to act. When our loved ones are dying, when we suffer from health issues or when we are plagued by financial struggles. When we pray, we want God to answer and when He doesn’t, we feel alone, abandoned, afraid and angry. These are all human feelings that Jesus felt too. He knows how you feel, so when you go through a season of hardship and you are left with so many questions. When you are crying out to God for help but the answered hasn’t come yet, remember that Jesus knows how you feel because He felt the same.

Jesus loves you so much. He holds you in His arms and tells you, “I know how you feel, just lean on me, I will help you because I love you more than you can ever comprehend”.

When God says ‘No’.

We all have those days, or weeks, where things are not going according to plan. Last week was one of those weeks for me. My dad was on holiday, so I planned a calm and relaxing week for myself (I life with my parents and since my mother passed away last year, I now life with my dad)

But my plans quickly went down the drain. My dog got sick. He remained sick all week and I was busy all day looking after him. At the end of the week, my dog seemed to be getting better, when he left an unpleasant surprise for me on the kitchen floor. I had a busy day the next day and I was unable to cancel any of it. So I started to worry. If I would leave my dog alone all day, it was waiting for another nasty surprise on the kitchenfloor but I also had my responsibilities. I didn’t consider praying about it because I decided to just trust that things would turn out fine in the end. I told myself not to worry and I tried to push the worry out of my mind. Of course this didn’t work but I tried not to make a big deal out of it, like I usually do.

The next morning God surprised me with some unexpected grace. Instead of working (a cleaning job I have at the family firm that is now ran by my brother), my brother texted me if I could babysit instead. Even though I hadn’t prayed about it, God knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it. I was so pleasantly surprised and humbled by the grace of God that day, that I couldn’t stop smiling.

This taught me a valuable lesson. I was always taught that God doesn’t give, what you haven’t first asked for. I believed this my entire life. If you want God to do something, you have to ask Him first, otherwise He is not going to do it. But this moment taught me that God doesn’t need our prayers to create miracles. God loves us so much that He watches our every move. He looks at us so intently with love, grace and mercy. He sees where our life meets a crossroad and He knows exactly what we need to get through that.

During my life, my prayers were hardly ever answered. I pray a lot but my personal prayers are often answered with ‘No’. The prayers for others however are often more succesful but it has caused me to not pray for myself, unless it is highly necessary. I tell God what bothers me but I don’t ask for anything. If I ask for something, I don’t expect God to actually do it. It is a survival mechanism that I taught myself, so I won’t get upset if the answer is ‘No’ again. (which it often is) I know that God loves me but prayer time has always been a bit awkward to me. Why ask if you don’t receive anyway? I think because it comforts me. At least God knows and He cannot say that I never told Him. This may sound foreign to you, but this is what prayertime became for me. A questionable conversation where I talk and God listens but if He acts upon it is very unsure.

Anyway, God surprising me with something that I hadn’t even asked for. He more or less restored my faith in prayer a little. Just because God says ‘No’ 90% of the time doesn’t mean it is no all of the time. I have to rely on the remaining 10%. There is still a chance that God says ‘Yes’ and it is a 10% worth praying for. Maybe you feel just like me. You wonder why you should still pray and when people start about God’s grace and mercy, you stop listening because the answer is always ‘No’ or ‘silence’. Why bother? Why try? Well you keep praying because prayer is comfort.

Prayer comforts you even when nothing happens! 

Besides, God does listen to every word you say. He sees your every need. He sees your past, present and future in the blink of an eye. He knows exactly what you need, when you need it, God’s ‘No’ could be a blessing in disguise. God may say no because it is not the right time. Maybe He has a much better plan in mind. And maybe He knows something that we don’t know. When my mother got cancer and I heard that she only had two to four months left to live, I got furious at God. Why didn’t He heal her if He had the power to. But God the Father said to me, “Honey, if I would tell you now why your mother passed away, you wouldn’t understand it. It would only upset you more. But I promise you that one day I will explain you everything”. God knows our pain and heartache. He knows what we want and what we need, and often those are two entirely different things. His ‘No’ could be the perfect answer. One day He will explain to me and to you, why He said ‘No’ that day. We will see everything through His eyes! But until then, we have to trust Him. We have to trust that God does what is right for us.

But God doesn’t say ‘No’ all the time. When you pray, believe that God can also say ‘Yes’. God can still do miracles and often He still does them. All we need is faith. Even if it is as tiny as a mustard seed. The tiniest faith it big enough for God and He hears everything you say. The smallest prayers do not pass God’s throne without Him hearing every single word. Keep praying, because God does what is right. Because God loves you!

(My encouragements may not make a lot of sense as I have written them, but it comes from a loving heart and I hope it will encourage you nonetheless) With love! 🙂

Dear Yeshua

The poem ‘Dear Yeshua’ was written a couple of years ago, with all the women in mind who have walked away from Him/Yeshua. (Yeshua is the Hebrew word for the name Jesus, in the days when Jesus was on earth, everybody called Him Yeshua (Since He lived in Israel and Hebrew was one of the languages they spoke at the time))

I think we all know someone who really needs Jesus in his/her life. I wrote this poem directed to women, mainly because I am a woman myself. Most of my poems I write from my own perspective. Each poem is different of course, some are about me, in some God speaks to me personally, in some God speaks to the world and in others it is about someone else. In the poems that are about other people, I step in the lives and hearts of  these people to write their story. If I write this way, I never know who it is I am writing about. God never discloses this with me! I just write what God gives me and for me that is enough. Fun fact is that this allows me to put a little something of myself in it as well. It makes the poetry more personal to me. My heart is attached to each and very single poem I ever wrote, and that is what makes poetry so wonderful to me.

Back to the poem, this poem is a prayer to Jesus/Yeshua. In this prayer I ask Him to bring every person that once walked away back. Of course we can incorporate the people who never heard from Jesus as well. I hope you will pray this prayer with me!

Enjoy this poem and tell me your thoughts, or if you have a prayer request, send them to me (you can type your request below this poem, or you can fill in the contact form) I am more than willing to pray for you!

Dear Yeshua,

 Dear Yeshua, Son of God,
all I wants to know,
is who you are and what you do,
and the love that You bestow.

 Ever since I was a little girl,
I read Your stories on and on,

Your love, like magic, filled my heart,
I wonder where it’s gone.

 Not by You, that’s what I know,
You didn’t walk away.
Perhaps that little girl grew up,
or maybe she just lost her way?

 Whatever happened, bring her back.
bring her to Your flock,
Protect her like a shepherd does,
and let her feel Your love.

Dear Yeshua, hold her tight,
and open up her heart,
teach her with that magic love,
that you will never be apart.

In my Father-heart I see you

Today I really want to share this poem with you. A couple of years back, I asked God the Father in prayer how He really felt about me. I asked Him to be completely honest! I didn’t just want Him to share with me all the good but also (and especially) all the bad parts about me. I really wanted Him to be as honest as He could possibly be. A short while after I prayed this, God the Father quoted this poem to me. A special poem that surprised me and filled me with love. The reason I am sharing this poem with you is because I know that God loves you so much. I hope this poem will show you just that! God loves you and in His loving Father-heart, He sees you, He loves you and He cherishes you. You are so worthful to Him. You are so precious that He gave up His only Son just so He could have a connection with you! God loves you! And that is the most important message ever!

In My Father-heart I see you

A spirited energy flows within you,
a willpower to succeed in your mission,
but the flesh is weak where the mind is willing.
How long will you fight for Me this endless battle?
My heart aches when I look at you,
and My mind slips back to who you once were.

Heart of My heart, filled with My light,
I still hear your laughter fill the heavens with joy.
Quick little girl – prettier than the stars – you are,
your eyes sparkled with delight and peace.
I still see you sit on My lap eager to learn,
your wisdom excelled in your trust,
but you were oblivious to it.

The joy in your eyes when your Brother was near,
made my Father heart beat faster, overflowing with love.
Your love for Him grew with each shared moment,
inseparable you were with Him wherever he went.
How could I have ever punished you in your mistakes,
when all you wanted was to innocently brighten the room?

How could I ever show My tears to you today,
when I feel the pain of your struggles in My own heart?
My dearly beloved daughter it would hurt you too much.
So I keep them in the shadows for all I want is your joy,
your unexplainable delight spread like sunbeams across the world.
Let them see how much you love Me.

Always shy yet protective like a warrior,
My honor means more to you than your life,
you’d give it up in a heart-beat, if I would ask you to.
But remember – my child – the day your brother Yeshua died,
My heart breaks at the thought of having to give you up also.
So give your joy for My tears and your love for Mine.

When I look at you, past and present collide,
fusing with the future I have in store for you.
My plan is unshakable, unmovable like a mountain.
That little girl from long before the world began,
still lives deep inside your soul, hidden for the world.
Let her come out and play once again so the heavens rejoice,
and the world will see My light in you.
In my Father-heart I see you.

These are pictures of me as a young child. Probably between 0 – 2 years old.
(these photographs are mine and cannot be used without permission!)

Nothing can separate us from God’s love!

The thursday before easter we heard that my mother has cancer and that there was no cure for her. Hearing something as horrible as this made me feel as if the floor underneath my feet disappeared and I fell into this huge hole. Unfair is a word I have used often. I just didn’t understand why this had to happen (I still don’t). In my prayers I negotiated, asked questions, pleaded, tried to make deals, anything that would turn this situation around. The moment I realized that it didn’t work, I simply got angry.

I know that it is unfair to blame God that things like this happen. They happen to everybody so why not to someone in my family? (I got this response a lot!) Even though I know that it is true, it didn’t satisfy my soul. In my opinion God could heal my mom, He still can. What made me angry is that He just didn’t do it. My life never turned out the way it was planned and after everything that had already happened, God allowed this to happen also. After all the rejections, bullying, disappointments, loneliness and hurt, I am losing my mother to this horrible disease. It was the final straw. I never complained about my situation, always tried to do the best to my abilities and I always followed God in everything He asked of me. We didn’t deserve this!

At some point my anger intensified so much that I stopped talking to God all together. I did pray but I only spoke the absolute necessary words. “Lord bless this food and forgive my sins, amen”. Or I simply prayed the ‘Our Father’ prayer. But talking personally was out of the question. If God didn’t listen to a word I was saying anyway, if He didn’t answer my prayers, then why would I even bother?

I kept this up for a week. Then one morning, right before I wanted to say a short prayer for breakfast, I audibly heard God’s voice. He said, “Gineke, please talk to me”! He was listening after all. Just because He didn’t answer, didn’t mean that He didn’t listen. God heard every word. Initially I thought, fine, if you want me to talk, I can talk. My first prayers after that week of silence consisted of yelling. All my anger was thrown at God’s feet. My feelings of unjust, disappointment and down right rage where fired straight at God’s heart. But the funny thing is that the more I screamed at God, the calmer I became. Until the screaming became talking, and the words became tears. I admit to saying things to God that I now regret. As my anger slipped away, a feeling of remorse slowly trickled into my heart. God didn’t deserve my anger. He didn’t deserve the blame. Still He listened to every single word.

Last saturday, again before breakfast, I was sitting in the living room. Suddenly I felt the presence of God the Father, as clear as the light of day, in the room. The Father walked over to me, laid His hand on the crown of my head and kissed my head. I whispered, “I love you, I really do”. And the Father answered, “I know”. Where I doubted God’s love for me, He never doubted mine. Where I thought that God wasn’t even listening, God was doing much more. He didn’t just listen. He also looked straight into my heart. God observed every single part of me so intently because He knew exactly what I was going through.

All of this opened my eyes. Often Christians say that we have to praise God and we are not allowed to get angry at Him. We have to obey Him, honor Him and keep our mouth shut about pathetic little things. Only worship! But God wants much more than worship. He wants a personal relationship with us. This means that we have to open ourselves up completely before Him. We can praise and worship God all we like but if we still hold a grudge against Him, our praise is worthless! God rather wanted me to yell at Him than that I kept my feeling to myself. God wanted to hear how I felt because He understood, and still understands, my pain. God knows how difficult my life is. How much I long for my mother to be healed. How much I long for a future and a hope, for a life of joy and worship. He knows that I am still waiting for Him to make His promises to me come true. He knows the tears of my heart. But keeping silent is not making anything better. We have to learn to open ourselves up completely, dirt and all.

If you are angry at God, disappointed, hurt, sad and you haven’t said it to Him yet. If you feel that God is to Holy, to Almighty, to receive you anger and hurt, and therefore you remain silent. If you are hiding your real feeling towards God by a mask of praise then please hear me out. God wants to know how you really feel! God is strong enough to take your anger and your pain! God understands so much more than you think! And His love is so astoundingly big that nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, can make it go away! Not even your greatest anger. And after the anger, you find that the praise and worship is deeper than it ever was before. Open your heart up for God, yell, scream cry or laugh. Don´t hold anything back. God completely understands you! He loves you!

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8: 38-39