Between questions and answers

Faith is wobbling at the edge of a deep cliff and I wonder when it is going to tumble over. When life is a battle and all our weapons have been used, how do we keep on fighting? Exhaustion is wearing me out and I wonder when it is enough? When will the future become something, instead of this unseen thought? Is everything I dreamed of nothing more than a mirage? Tears trickle down my fears until there are no tears left and a drought season sets in. Plants will not grow and the sun will not shine. Still we believe that someday the grey will disappear and the colors will flow back.

Restless my heart searches for stability. But the last piece of the rope slips through my fingers and all there is left is a free fall. The world stops and the sounds fade. For a moment there is nothing but You and me and I wonder, whether or not you really see me. Do You hear my last prayers flutter up towards Heaven like a million multicolored butterflies? Or has the sounds muted in its flight? Wonder is a funny thing where the mind floats between questions and answers. Questions are asked and answers are seeked but silence blurs even the loudest call.

Is silence a friend or an enemy? At this point I would not know. Uncontrolled I walk across a beam, hanging above an enormous abyss. It can go either good or wrong but all I can focus on, is the umbrella that You gently put in my hands. I don’t know how to use it. As I am figuring this out the instability grows intens. Do I have to stop myself in the wonder why life seems to go on unasked? When twenty four hours are in a day, how do I find the twenty fifth? Time is an earthly measure, so maybe that is why the old antique clock has broken down. How do we find time when there is none?

When all I can hear in the deafening silence is, “Go on”, where then do I find the answers, when the magpie has taken my last gem away?

On a difficult journey

My heart is like a vase and last thursday it shattered into a million shards. Last thursday was the day my mother heard that her cancer is malignant. It has already spread throughout her body. The cancer is not just in her neck but also in her lungs, liver, behind her sternum and in her brain. In one single moment, my world came crashing down. My heart broke and tears kept coming. How I feel today?
Today, five days later, I still don’t exactly know how I feel. One moment I feel relatively calm, and the next I feel broken. My mother has been given several months, whatever that means, but at this point I rather lay it in God’s hands. I am grateful for every day that I still get with her, but sometimes the fear and hurt of losing her stabs me right in the heart. There are no words that can adequately describe how I feel, but this kind of sums it up.

To my surprise I don’t feel angry. So many people suffer from cancer, we are not alone in this battle. But I do feel a certain unjust. My mother is the sweetest soul that ever lived and her heart for others is so big. In my heart it feels unfair that this had to happen to her. So many questions flutter through my mind. Questions that I will most likely never get an answer to. Questions that probably don’t even matter now. And even though I will never get an answer, I am still not angry. God is with us. Even now, in this extremely unfair moment. God will carry us through this. God will carry my mom, my dad, my brothers, my sisters-in-law, my nephews, my nieces and myself through this. I trust Him, even when trusting feels really hard to do.

Right after my mom had her very first puncture (she had two), I had a conversation with Jesus early in the morning. I told Him that I was worried about my mom. He said, “Your mother will be fine, don’t worry about her. She is going to be okay”. For me, the definition of,  “she is going to be okay”, meant that she was going to be healthy. So when we got the news last thursday, that she was given several months, I was downright angry at Jesus. I yelled at Him and said, “You promised. You said that she was going to be okay”. This was so difficult for me. How can Jesus say that my mom is going to be fine, if she is going to die? I needed some time to process this.
After two days both my dad and God the Father helped me to come to terms with this. What both of them told me is, your definition of good is different that God’s definition of good. God the Father reminded me of what I know of Heaven and  reminded me how good it is to be there. Whatever happens – even when she is going to Heaven- she IS going to be okay. Jesus was telling me the truth, even when the truth was really hard to accept.

The truth is still hard to accept though. In my mind, I am the best person to take care of my mom. What I have to learn is that Jesus is the best person to take care of my mom, not me! This will take a lot of time and effort on my part. I am still sad at times and I still need time to process everything that happened this past week. Luckily Jesus loves me so much that He is more than willing to give me that time. Besides I can always talk to Him and He is always there to answer my questions, give me His love and to wrap me up in His loving embrace when I need it. I will come out of this so much stronger, but the road to victory sure is a difficult one.

For now I am grateful for every day that I still get with my mom. She has no pain at the moment, her rheum is the only pain she has. She feels good and is still able to do her daily activities. We pray for many more of these days and we pray for no pain. And I hope you will pray with us. These days are difficult but with God by our side, we will make it through this.

Between my fingertips

The poem I would like to share with you today is one very close to my heart. This poem is about the night I met Jesus in a dream. You know, I often work with God the Father, so those rare moments when Jesus communicates with me, are very special to me. I don’t know why I communicate more with the Father and the Holy Spirit but I am confident in the bond Jesus and I have, so I don’t really mind. But it fills my heart with pure joy when Jesus comes to me to have a chat or to show me something!

This night was one of those rare night I saw Him. In my dream I saw Jesus standing at a distance from me. It was just the two of us, there was nobody else there. So I thought by myself, why are you always at such a distance? (Yes there was a short period of time where it actually bugged me, but this dream changed all that!) Suddenly Jesus was gone and I panicked just a little. I panicked because it wasn’t my intention to push Him away, all I wanted was for Him to come closer! Then I felt a presence behind me and there He was. He came from behind me and walked to my side. Now He was actually standing right next to me. Our eyes locked. He stroke my head with His hand and the love I felt in that moment overwhelmed me. His love also ensured me that even though He is not always this close to my side, His love never changes! He will always love me and I will always have a place in His heart. It really felt as if He takes a polite distance to give the Father space to work with me. Nothing more, nothing less. And I really needed to know that. I needed to know that even though I do not always feel His presence, He still loves me anyway.

As I was looking into His eyes and He into mine, I desperately wanted to say something. But I could not find the words and neither did He. What happened next still kind of surprises me sometimes. For some weird reason I looked at His robe and thought, that must be so uncomfortable. For His robe looked like itchy wool. Then I reached out my hand and touched His robe. I took His robe between my fingertips and rubbed it very gently. I can tell you that I was very surprised by the softness of it. It felt very comfortable actually.

When I looked up again, into His eyes, I read a touch of worry in His eyes. He was worried about me and His worry reminded me of the worry my brothers sometimes have when they look at me. Looking back I understand His worry but at that particular moment it confused me. When I was fourteen years old and God the Father spoke to me in a dream, the Father told me that my coming future would be a difficult one. I believe that Jesus was very well aware, that I wasn’t out of the woods yet. I think it worried Him that I still had battles to fight. Why? Because He loves and cares about me. I matter to Him. And it is exactly that love of Jesus that fills me with joy, love and peace.

When I woke up, I wrote a poem about this dream. The reason I want to share the poem and the dream with you is, because Jesus loves you too! So much more than you are aware of. I see it as my duty to direct people towards the love of Jesus. To make them aware of the overwhelming love Jesus has in His heart for mankind. Words cannot explain His love for you and still I try to bring it to people through my poetry. Always remember that Jesus loves you. Open your heart and let Him in because He is more than worth it. I hope you like the poem. I hope it fills your heart with love, joy and peace in Jesus name.

Between my fingertips

I still feel the soft fabric,
gently between my fingertips.
Your eyes are imprinted in my soul,
how can I ever forget Your gentleness?
Not a word has to be spoken,
our minds are one.
And as the Spirit draws us closer together,
our bond is still the same,
Between You and me,
nothing has changed.

Your brother love exceeds,
it is a heart without boundaries.
Never will Your anger rain down on me,
or felt in any chamber of Your heart.
Your teachings are my guidelines,
wisdom is planted in my mind,
where it grows out of love for You.
I walk the roads of this world alone,
but in heaven I look out for You.
More are You to me than a Savior,
more than all the Kings of the earth,
more than all my brothers combined.

I still feel the soft fabric,
gently between my fingertips.
Your brotherly worries unspoken,
Your love speaks louder than any word could.
Not a soul knows our connection,
or the bloodline that keeps us attached.
The memories hold my heart,
when the distance becomes an obstacle.
All I need to know,
when my soul returns home,
that the fabric of Your robe,
is still between my fingertips.

 

The spring of hope. 

Today I took a walk. A small walk but one of contemplation and intense prayer. Which lead me to this small message that I want to share with you. A message of hope for those who desperately need it. 

In the winter nature may seem dead but the knowledge that spring is lingering underneath it all gives so much hope. The same goes for life. Life may seem difficult right now, but God has spring waiting for you right around the riverbend! 

Don’t lose hope in seemingly hopeless situations. The way out may be out of sight at the moment, but soon God will show you that spring was waiting for you all along. 

See the Sunflower in yourself!

The poem ‘The Sunflower’ I wrote after I started painting the accompanied painting. The reason I started painting is because I wanted to try to show what God was showing me through my dreams and visions. For a couple of years I had been following the story of Akiane Kramarik and one day in December of 2015, I wondered if perhaps I could do the same. Don’t get me wrong, I could never paint as good as she does. She is a true genius in painting. But as a hobby I just wanted to try it out. My oldest brother paints as well and my father loves it too, so it kind of runs in the family also. After getting my equipment together I decided to start by trying to paint apple blossoms. As I was setting everything up, God gave me a vision, a quick snapshot, of a sunflower. Feeling God’s request of me painting a sunflower instead, I started painting ‘The Sunflower’. It took me several months to figure this whole painting thing out but God supported me by bringing Sunflowers on my path wherever I went. The sunflowers even surprised me in Austria where I was on holiday!

During this time God quoted this poem for me and it is a poem that is still close to my heart. Whenever I feel like giving up on my assignment from Jesus to write a book, I read this poem to bring me back. Or when I feel insecure and a failure, I read it to lift up my spirit. What this poem does is show me that I need to learn to see myself through the eyes of the Father. Which is something I do too little. I often look at what I have achieved so far, how many people have read my poetry, my blogs, my writings, I compare myself too much by the standards of this world and too little by the standards of Heaven. In God’s eyes I am unique and beautiful. I have a purpose that I have to focus on regardless of the lies satan tries to put in my head. So whenever life brings me down, I read this to put me back on my feet with my eyes firmly planted on my journey ahead. And I hope that it will do the same for you!!! I hope that when you read this poem, you will plant God’s words deep in your heart, “I see the sunflower in you, all I ask, is for you to see it too”!

By the way, the sunflower is a flower that grows towards the light of the sun. Just like the sunflower you may grow towards the light of your Savior Jesus Christ. Seek His light to brighten you darkness and know that Jesus loves you more than you can ever comprehend!

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This is my painting called ‘The Sunflower’.

 

The sunflower

 The sunflower grows in the light,
but at the end of the summer it dies,
to bear fruit for the next harvest.

You ask Me why life crumbles,
but I ask you how the seed can grow,
if it does not first die in the ground?
The best treasures can be found,
after the most adventurous quests.

You ask Me why some people hurt,
but I tell you that the heart is against Me.
The ears don’t listen and the mouth does not speak.
Unreachable is the human soul.
Only the sunflower that grows towards the light,
will bear many fruit during the harvest.

You ask Me why time sometimes seems to stand still,
but I tell you that time is an earthly measure.
The seed is sown and the flowers grow,
but the seedlings cannot bear the fruit.
Growth requests patience,
and yet I only wait for the petals to unfold.

Why is your soul in such a hurry,
when everything happens according to My plan?
Why is your soul so downcast,
when I have set you apart from the rest?
I tell you, My light has been around you all this time.

Grow like a sunflower.
Open your unique, golden petals.
For your fruit shall be many,
and your harvest shall be great.
Let My light rise you up,
so the strength of your soul,
will be filled with pure joy.

My child, I see the sunflower in you,
and all I ask is for you to see it too.

A dream to remember

Making friends have always been difficult for me. My greatest fear was to be alone – without friends, so I did whatever I could to be “normal”. I was very shy and had no self-esteem. Life just wasn’t very easy on me and I was well aware that not everybody liked me.  When I started attending high school, I lost a lot of my “friends” from elementary school. I was laughed at, rejected and made fun off. Not just in school but also in church. Frankly wherever I went, there was always someone who would try to make me feel worthless and often with great success.

When I was about fourteen years old I had a dream. A dream like none I had ever had before. In my dream I was at a beautiful place. Standing on a mountaintop with grass greener than I had ever seen before, I was looking at a secluded valley with a tropical rainforest in it. The rainforest was secluded by mountains, which shape one could compare to the Grand Canyon. There was no way out of the forest. The mountain walls surrounded it on ever angel in an almost perfect circle.  Five waterfalls came down the cliffs. There was a pine forest at my left and in front of me was this big rock. And I heard uncountable different birds. Instantly I felt a presence and I immediately knew that God was standing next to me. I thought, this is a moment I will never forget! Somehow I knew that it was God the Father Himself standing next to me. In awe of His Holiness, all I could think of was that the Father was the Almighty Creator high on His throne, so I had to be on my best behavior. I really wanted to please Him. I could look at Him but seeing Him was impossible. It was as if the Father had put a veil over Him so I wouldn’t be affected by His Holy Light. The best way to describe God is that He was intensely sweet but also kinda strict.  He started speaking to me saying, “Gineke, come sit next to me, please. I did. He paused, so I took the opportunity to tell Him how beautifully He had created the valley in front of us. He looked around and said, “I know”. This caught me a little off guard because I expected a thank you. However looking back I remember Genesis 1 where God saw what He created and thought it was good. It makes sense to me now. After another short pause the Father said to me, “Gineke, you have been through a lot already and you will go through a lot more. It will not be easy but I want you to know that I will always be with you. Promise me that you will never forget that”! At fourteen I had put the past in a corner of my mind where I would not be reminded of it, but I was well aware about what He was referring to. At the same time I didn’t quite understand what He was talking about but since I was talking to the Almighty Creator of Heaven and earth, I was to scared to ask. At the end, all I said was, “ok”. This time the Father looked at me and said, “You have to promise Me that you will never forget that I am with you, will you do that”? This second time I heard the urgency in His voice and I got slightly confused, but once again I said, “I will”. For a third time the Father said, “Gineke, you don’t understand. You HAVE to promise me that you will never forget that I am with you”! The urgency had only increased and I was only more confused. In my mind I thought that maybe He was overreacting a little bit because I wasn’t going to die, right? Not aware of the fact that God could hear my thoughts and to afraid to asked further questions, I said once again, “ok, I won’t”. The Father sighed deeply. I think because He knew that I didn’t understand Him. He saw that fear stopped me from asking further questions. In a way He even got frustrated because He couldn’t do anything about it.  In order to lighten the atmosphere a little, I told Him once again how much I love what He had created but He only sighed and said, “Let’s just go”.

When I woke up I was both confused and excited. I had just seen God the Father  but what He had said kept puzzling me. Soon I would come to understand how serious the Father actually was and how desperately He was trying to protect me. God the Father knew my future and the choice I would one day make. A choice He would not allow to happen under His Almighty Watch! God did everything to save me from making the biggest mistake in my life. At fourteen I could not comprehend all this. I wasn’t aware of the danger looming in the darkness. But you know what? God did not let His head hang that easily. He did exactly as He promised and stayed close by my side. And at twenty-one I would come to understand just how great the grace of God really is!

The Call

In ´About Me´ you have been able to read the short version of my story. In this blog I would like to share more with you.

My journey with God began when I was only five years old. For as long as I can remember I have always believed in God. I was raised as a Christian but inside of me and around me, I always felt His presence somehow. At age five I was attending second grade of elementary school (According to the school system in the Netherlands, where I live). To this day I still remember what the classroom looked like. We had large eight-cornered tables where we would sit and the classroom was divided in five corners. These corners were small areas on the side of the room where kids  could do all sorts of things. There was a game-corner with all sorts of board-games, a book corner, a boys-corner with all sorts of typical toys for boys, a block-corner where kids could build stuff and a mommy-daddy corner as I call it, where children played mommy and daddy.

This classroom was the place where God called me to a much greater purpose then I could ever imagine. To this day I still vividly remember how it all took place.  It was that time of day where our teacher told us we could all pick a corner and play in that corner for a little while. As all the kids were playing, I stood in the middle of the room wondering what I would choose. For a short moment I was looking at the mommy-daddy corner, when I heard a kind, sweet and very gentle voice from someone standing right behind me. But when I turned around there was nobody there. I wasn’t afraid of the voice! As a matter of fact, I felt very comfortable in His presence and I instantly knew it was God. How I knew it, I don’t know, yet somehow I did.  God said to me, as I was looking to the mommy/daddy corner, “Gineke, don’t go there! I am sorry sweetie but that is not for you. You will never have a family of your own, I’m sorry. Don’t spend too much time on that. Choose something else”. Somehow I knew that God was not just talking about that particular moment but rather about my whole life. As I was thinking about another option, I felt two hands touching my head. One on each side, and they turned my head towards the book-corner. God said, “How about a book”? The funny thing is that I wasn’t much of a reader at all, but at that moment I seriously thought it was the best choice ever! So I answered, without opening my mouth, “oke”. As if I was talking to God telepathically. Then as if nothing happened God left.

My teacher had noticed me standing in the middle of the classroom. I was just staring at one point (that mommy-daddy corner) and wasn’t making a single move. She came to me and said,”What are you going to do Gineke”. She saw me still staring at the mommy-daddy corner so she said, “It’s okay, you can go play there”! As if I was instantly snapped back into reality, I looked at her and said, “No thank you, I will never get married or have children anyway”. My teacher, pore woman, really didn’t know what to do with this  sudden answer and I felt the confusion and shock go through her myself. She said, “Gineke, of course you will get married and have kids. Don’t be silly”! But after my experience with God a second earlier, I knew better and said, “No I won’t, but it’s oke. I will go and read a book”. Having said that I skipped over to the book-corner, leaving my teacher there in complete shock. A Minute later she called all the children back to their tables, with a tremor still clearly audible in her voice.

For some reason she did not tell my parents and neither did I. I only told my parents just recently. As a five year old I didn’t understand the severity of the situation. Besides, to me talking to God was the most normal thing in the world. In fact, being five I forgot about what happened. I was five and didn’t have the memory of a grown up. There was too much to remember already.

It wasn’t until much later in life that I remembered and contemplated it over and over again in my mind. Thankfully God didn’t forget and as I am writing this I can see the face of Jesus in mind. It was Jesus who came to me that day. Looking back this is where my life as a servant of God began. This is where God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit became the centre point of my life. They called me to one day become a writer.

A couple of weeks ago I finished my first manuscript of poems. Even though I still have to find a publisher, it amazes and humbles me how God has lead my life to this moment. But I didn’t only hear God’s voice at the age of five! I would hear God’s voice and even see His face, both of the Father and Jesus, on many more occasions in my life.

The next moment I heard God’s voice was when I was fourteen years old….but that is for another blog, another time.

May God bless you and may you feel His love every day of your life.

Within

During the first years of writing, from age 10 – 18, God quoted to me the poem ‘Within’. When I was eighteen years old I stopped writing because I didn’t have that many friends (I had only one friend, and that included all my acquaintances!). I threw all my poetry in the garbage bin, because I thought people would not understand my love for writing and it would only scare them away. I really wanted more friends and giving up my poetry seemed like a wise idea at the time. So I erased everything that reminded me of writing. Everything expect for this one poem. I felt that it was God’s poem and not mine. Therefore it was not up to me to get rid of it. So I hid it in an English bible where I would not find it for many years (I am Dutch and I have a Dutch bible also). Now I feel, it is the right time to share it with you. The only poem left from all my writings from my teen years. Carefully saved in a bible. To me it is a treasure and I hope it will be the same for you.

Within

In a moment of calmth,
some peaceful time.
I feel You passing by.
Sliding through my hair,
I know You are there.
You touch me.
I feel the wind,
like a thousand roses.
I feel Your care,
You loving me.
Surrounding me with love,
greater than the sky,
and bigger than the world.
In the blink of an eye,
I see You passing by,
telling me that it’s ok,
and I am giving You my faith.
All the happiness inside,
can’t make me describe,
the sense within,
a feeling of love,
a moment to sing.
This is what I feel within!