The Weaver and the tapestry

Our place in this world is unique. Each and every single one us has his own place in this world. There is not a person to many or too little. Everyone is exactly where he/she is supposed to be. It is like a tapestry. Each wire has its own place and function but the tapestry could not exist without each and every single threat.

When one comes face to face with an approaching death within the family, life somehow becomes much clearer. As my mom is battling cancer (a battle she is going to lose according to the doctors), I start to reflect on my life more than usual. Questions like; what is important to me and what do I really need, are going around in my mind. Looking back on life I can clearly see God’s hand in everything. Every moment in my life was carefully coordinated by His mighty hand. Before I was born, my life was painted into great detail. Not a single color or brushstroke was left out. Every word was written down. When life happens, it is very difficult to see that you are a part of a great tapestry. Your life really matters! It is the moment when life comes to a halt that you start to see the full picture (or after something bad happened).

We have these moments in life when we look back over our shoulder and suddenly see the full picture. As if we have always been looking at the bottom of this tapestry. All we could see was the knots and chaos in the threads. Nothing seemed to make sense. But suddenly you get a small glimpse at what the other side looks like. You can see the Weaver create every detail in this enormous tapestry. Every color and every thread is handpicked.

To me it is very comforting to know that Someone is in control. God is the Great Weaver who has put all His blood, sweat and tears into this masterpiece. Sometimes the knots hurt. Sometimes we believe that the threads are supposed to be at a different place or preferably not there at all. Sometimes we believe that we could do a better job, if we had a say in it. But looking at the tapestry of my own life, I personally disagree. I could not have done a better job at my tapestry than God. Even though I have been hurt, I can clearly see how much God loves me. God the Father has never allowed a single knot or thread at the wrong place or the wrong time. I can clearly see moments where evil tried to destroy or put the wrong thread in the tapestry and God stopped it.

Looking at the tapestry of life, all I can say is, God the Father did an amazing job. I can feel His love in every thread of my life, in every fiber of my being. Life isn’t easy and sometimes it seems unfair, but I believe that God sees the bigger picture. A picture I can not yet see. Sometimes I get a glimpse but I can never see the full tapestry. Still I only trust God with my life. I only trust God with my tapestry because I know that He does see the full picture. He knows where I came from and where I will go. He has created me and wove me into a unique masterpiece. Whenever life gets difficult and all I can see is chaos, God shows me His love in numerous ways. I can always talk to Him and He always listens to me. His hand holds mine and He never let’s go. His hands hold me up when I cannot stand anymore and His wisdom guides me along the way.

Even though I cannot see the full tapestry, I can see the Weaver.
Even though I do not understand all the knots and threads,
I do know that the end result will be breathtaking!

Dealing with the negative side of life

Do you remember my blog posts, ‘How I deal with anxiety and stress’ & ‘Optimism is the key to a happy life’? Well so do I! I am an optimistic fighter by nature because I always feel that with a little bit of work and patience, negative feelings go away by itself. In the last few weeks however I came to an unexpected question. What if it doesn’t? What if all my wisdom fades away in a thick mist and nothing I ever learned helps me anymore? What then? In the last few weeks I hated to admit it to myself that I was stuck. I could not deal with it anymore. Not on my own. The stress and anxiety had taken control over me and everything I tried remained futile. On top of it all I developed a sinus infection, and due to the amount of stress I unconsciously kept tightening my jaw muscles, which are now probably overburdened as well. In short I am dealing with a large amount of fear, stress and pain.

Even though this was all taking place, my eyes were opened to something important. The fact that optimism leads to happiness is still something I highly support. But what if it isn’t that easy? What if it isn’t that easy to shake it all off. On social media I read a lot of quotes from public speakers (mainly christians) that if you just believe in God enough, fear will never be able to reach you. If you believe enough God will protect you and fear will not be a part of your life. The sentence, just be happy, was used a little to easy for my liking. In ways it even upset me! I live very closely to God and I still have a fair share of stress and fear to deal with. Does this mean that God doesn’t love me? Does this mean that I am not a true child of God because otherwise I would not be feeling this way? Or maybe God just has something against me and doesn’t want me! Or a last answer could be that I simply don’t have the Holy Spirit inside of me. Well in my opinion this is just nonsense! I have to believe in that otherwise I lose the only rock I still stand on.

God is a God of love! He does not hurt people. He does not punish people. I refuse to believe in an evil God that simply doesn’t like me. Jesus loves me and that is a fact! My stress and fear are not an example of God’s absence, on the contrary, I start to believe it is the proof of His presence. I may not see it or feel it right now but when I look back later on in life, I most certainly will. I believe that God can heal me with one word, and I still fervently hope that He will! But what if God allows me to experience this frantic panic, deep-rooted fear and overwhelming stress to teach me something. If God would heal me overnight, would that teach me something? Or would that be an easy way out? Something inside of me tells me that it would.

Last week I started therapy again. In a little while I will get EMDR treatment to help me get rid of the fear. After three psychologists, two assertivity treatments and one anxiety course at an earlier age, this is my last resort. My last resort to break free from whatever fear is holding me in its grip. It may sound drastic but I have lived with fear my entire life. I cannot remember a moment in my life where I wasn’t afraid. And through all that fear God showed me so many dreams and visions! He was with me every step of the way. He is still with me today, nudging me forward. God loves me, fear and all! In fact He loves me so much that He does not want a quick-fix. In fact He loves me so much, that He wants me to go through this fear because only then, I can come out stronger on the other end.

My therapist said it so beautifully, “Fear is the greatest suffering a human being can go through”. She is right. Out of everything I experienced it is the fear that was the worst. Fear leads to so many things. It leads to physical, emotional and mental health issues which are triggered by stress. And stress comes from fear. At the moment I am stuck in a depression. One moment is better than the other. One moment I cry the other I laugh. My emotions are like a swing set rocking back and forward. But with God’s help, going through treatment yet another time, I will be healed. Maybe not overnight but in time I will. If God taught me one thing it is this; good things come with patience. If you want a long effect, you will have to put some time and effort in it. Only with patience and effort, I will come out stronger on the other end.

When depression strikes it is not the end of the world. When depression strikes it is not the end of a book but merely the beginning of a whole new chapter. When you are going through anxiety, stress or depression, just like me, let me tell you that God is with you. You are not carrying this burden alone. God didn’t stop loving you somewhere down the road, even if that is how you feel right now. Keep holding on to God’s love. Keep praying, keep fighting and keep moving forward. You will come out of this and much stronger than you were before. Don’t give up and if you need prayer, send me a message through the contact section on this blog. You are not alone! I guarantee it! God is with you!

Never alone!

The short poem in the picture came to me a few weeks ago. I was walking on the Simplon Pass in Switserland when God shared these wisdom words with me. I could literally feel the wind blow straight through my soul.  And isn’t it true. Especially in the dark moments of our life we can feel so lonely. But even then Jesus is with us. Ready to draw us in His warm embrace. It is something I really wanted to share with you. Please know and remember that you are never alone. Never!!! You may feel alone but you really aren’t. There is Someone watching over you. He loves you and He will never leave you! Please don’t ever forget that!