I carry rocks, like a body builder, showing off strength, but in the shadows, where the lens, cannot see me, I climb them, instead. Bouldering, rock after rock, until the muscles, of my fragile heart, have grown strong. I keep on climbing, knowing that, the great Chinese wall, was not build, in one single day. My soul alike, cannot be build, in a moment. Strength takes time, and as the clock ticks, I concentrate, merely on the next, positions of my hands, so my feet can follow, where the rope leads, to the top, of my ability.
Shades of crimson red – I stretch out my hand, to be covered in blood. Hues of gold intertwine, with the branches of the vine, where grapes spill juice, that lands like dew on my face. My moist lips taste like honey, surprising me, with the many sensations, my mind has to process. My arms embrace myself, to give warmth to my heart, confused with the aromas, tickling my nostrils. Dizzying is the information, I receive in this short, but powerful moment in time. My eyes are unable to focus, on the essential elements, trying to seek my attention. So, I close my eyes, empty my mind, and shut my ears, to become one with silence, where I hear you speak, in the soft whisper, in the silent breeze. In order to find my way, I must learn to trust, that the right way, will eventually, find me!
Purple dresses reflect sunlight, wrapped in red sashes they reflect the soul. Golden bracelets start joyful music, where feet dance to the melody of the heart. I look at her auburn hair, bouncing on the light steps of her life. I hear her laughter like sweet melodies. She is a reminder of a past life, which formed the start of my current journey. A trip to faraway places, where sweet spices make me dream, and foreign languages fill my heart with wonder. I walk into the Ganges river and submerge, to resurface in the river Jordan, where I start my pilgrimage to Rome. My feet dance on the sound of tambourine. I fall asleep on relaxing soprano melodies. This journey brings me back to life, as past, present, and future collide, in a beautiful array of colors, that reflect every essence of my soul. I am more than I currently know, more real than any dream I ever dreamed before. And as I await the gates of Heaven, I know, my life was lived to the fullest, in the utmost sense of joy!
My lips are painful and dry, as if I have been walking, through the desert for weeks. Now I am longing for streams of water, surrounding my body and soul. For the wind to lift me up, and give me wings like angels, so I can rise above myself – to see myself from a new perspective, if only these glasses were helping me! I spend my days in meditation, where a continuous flow of words, makes her way from my heart to yours. Gratitude is what I always learned, but now I am longing for more, because I feel that I am ready, to open my heart and fly, out of this desert into the promised land, I am ready to soar!
When the land is in sight, after an endless journey, my heart fills with joy, until I remember, that the last steps, are usually the hardest. With the sweat on my brow, I cry silent tears, in my hopeless heart. Is it a fata morgana? An illusion in my mind? In the extreme exhaustion, my heart becomes confused, wondering whether I had it right. Was this the land, the land that God asked me to go to? Or was I mistaken, wrong about everything I thought, God spoke to me in dreams? I pray, first silently, then louder and louder, until my heart screams, “Why have you forsaken me”? The inches I walk become slower, until I stand still in awe of myself, my misunderstanding, my hopes and dreams in something, that might never be. So, now I am at a crossroad. Wondering whether to continue, this extreme endurance, or whether to go back, to the life I knew before. I do not know… So, I wait for the silent whisper, gently encouraging me, to put my one foot, in front of the other, in blind courage, in blind faith, of an invisible God, a promise I cannot see, a situation that seems, impossible. Faith is like a mustard seed, that fell into the ground, and died. As my heart is slowly dying, I know a tree will spring up, in the depth of my heart, with strong roots, able to conquer any storm. Looking around this endless desert, I still see the small houses, shimmering at the horizon, and no matter how impossible it may seem, I know, all I have to do is believe, that those houses, no matter how unreal they seem, are put there for me. Victory comes to those, who choose to go on, when everything inside, tells them to give up! So, I choose victory, in whatever form it comes, so that one day I can tell, a world of disbelief, that the Spirit kept me going, when I could not belief. To God be the glory, for He was with me!
In the light of the morning,
I walk on the river shore.
The wind makes my hair dance,
liberating my heavy heart,
from all its burdens.
The light shimmering through the clouds,
caress my face with deep love,
until joy refills the empty spaces,
of my worried soul.
I want to run,
faster than the wind.
I want to fly,
on wings of love,
but I am parched from the endless drought.
This winter morning is a desert,
with burning sand and suffocating heat,
pushing me to search for an oasis.
The greatest battles are often the lonely ones,
where nobody can help you in your pain.
Where hail comes down like brimstone,
and thoughts like whiplashes on your back.
Unwanted feelings that drown you,
making you sink in seas of emotions.
Am I fighting against You?
Or am I fighting against myself?
I want to go back home,
crawl deep under the covers,
in an intense surge of self-pity.
So, I keep on walking,
as long as my feet can hold me,
until the river water has descended.
If liberation from grieve is in the movement,
than growth is closer than I imagined,
and joy is waiting right around the corner.
Withered away,
I wait for life to grow again,
but the green stems break,
in my frightened hands.
The black shadows speak,
their toxic words in pink colors,
to hide the lies from my fragile heart,
until the truth vanishes out of sight.
Screams of pain fill the sky,
but a blue blanket represents the silence.
The louder I scream,
the greater is the silence.
So I have to become calm,
in order to find peace.
Memories engraved in stone,
are written on the walls of my heart.
Portrayed on parchment paper,
they are shaped into hundreds of poems.
Looking back at the past,
invites me to learn lessons,
to celebrate new hope,
illuminating my soul,
in millions of colors.
When Heaven remains silent,
lessons we have already learned,
become the indicators on our journey of life,
and growth appears inside of us.
In every age,
I walk the steps,
of golden treasures,
and silver plates.
Every angle,
is a broken reality.
Miracles,
a brand new day.
When eyes see,
a crucified love.
Imprisonment,
is an escape.
A creek holds,
a thousand raindrops.
My heart,
over a million tears.
Communication,
interrupts the emotions.
Emotions,
block the communication,
and speech is an impossible road.
The restriction is a feeling.
Your eyes,
a bottomless well,
in which I drown.
The seal on my lips,
cannot hide the lostness.
If my eyes had a sound,
they would scream.
But however I bounce on the door,
I threw away the key.
Now my heart,
lost the connection with my soul,
the key in pure oblivion.
The centuries of time,
swallowed the light-years,
yet not the memories.
In order to breathe,
I need to remember.
In order to live,
the Light has to heal my wings,
but the pain is unbearable.
If only I could speak.
If only I could feel.
The flood of words,
would equal my tears.
The tears would show,
my broken heart.
Your heart would catch my soul,
and I would finally find peace.
Unended,
is my road.
My road,
is a path of love,
on which I will find you back.
Our love,
is my strength.
This life,
a journey.
Gineke van Keulen 