In my disbelief

In my disbelief

When the land is in sight,
after an endless journey,
my heart fills with joy,
until I remember,
that the last steps,
are usually the hardest.
With the sweat on my brow,
I cry silent tears,
in my hopeless heart.
Is it a fata morgana?
An illusion in my mind?
In the extreme exhaustion,
my heart becomes confused,
wondering whether I had it right.
Was this the land,
the land that God asked me to go to?
Or was I mistaken,
wrong about everything I thought,
God spoke to me in dreams?
I pray,
first silently,
then louder and louder,
until my heart screams,
“Why have you forsaken me”?
The inches I walk become slower,
until I stand still in awe of myself,
my misunderstanding,
my hopes and dreams in something,
that might never be.
So, now I am at a crossroad.
Wondering whether to continue,
this extreme endurance,
or whether to go back,
to the life I knew before.
I do not know…
So, I wait for the silent whisper,
gently encouraging me,
to put my one foot,
in front of the other,
in blind courage,
in blind faith,
of an invisible God,
a promise I cannot see,
a situation that seems,
impossible.
Faith is like a mustard seed,
that fell into the ground,
and died.
As my heart is slowly dying,
I know a tree will spring up,
in the depth of my heart,
with strong roots,
able to conquer any storm.
Looking around this endless desert,
I still see the small houses,
shimmering at the horizon,
and no matter how impossible it may seem,
I know,
all I have to do is believe,
that those houses,
no matter how unreal they seem,
are put there for me.
Victory comes to those,
who choose to go on,
when everything inside,
tells them to give up!
So, I choose victory,
in whatever form it comes,
so that one day I can tell,
a world of disbelief,
that the Spirit kept me going,
when I could not belief.
To God be the glory,
for He was with me!

Our first love

Our first love

The wonder of birth,
will never cease to amaze me.
With one gasp of air,
we become one with life –
the first of many choices,
we will ever make on earth.

We breathe,
because we love,
and because we love,
we breathe.

Love and life are connected,
more than we ever realize.
Without life we cannot love,
and without love,
we cannot live our life.

If love is so important,
so vital in our circle of life,
why then do we love so little?

We put ourselves first,
without considering,
that an empty world,
leaves us desolate.

When we are born,
we love our mother.
Without that love,
we die.
Why then do we believe,
we can live alone,
for the rest of our life?

A life without people,
is an empty life,
for only through people,
we can learn,
the most selfless love,
that has ever existed.

To learn the depths of love,
we must be willing,
to look beyond ourselves.
For in the beginning of life,
we did not love ourselves first,
NO,
our first love,
belonged to our mother.

For most of my life, I was bullied, emotionally abused, rejected, and I had/have so little friends that I believed that I was better off alone. This year nearly took my life, not by COVID-19 but by loneliness. When one is rejected and alone for so long, one can get the idea that life alone is the only option. That is why I always said to myself, “It is me and God against the world”, believing there was nobody out there for me. But during the pandemic, I have learned that this is a lie. Humans are created to live together in whatever shape or size that is. The walls are slowly coming down around me and even though I am still finding my place in this life, the growth I have experienced was necessary and so important. That was the sole reason for this poem. Nobody is supposed to live a life alone! No one! And yet, there are so many, like me, who face this struggle every day. I am so blessed with my immediate family but there are those who have no one! Let us take the coming holiday season to look out for those who are alone! Give them something to look forward to. Give them love, a place at your table, a place in your life. You have no idea what it will mean to them! xox Gineke.

Take the first step

Take the first step

The blurred window shows,
only a glimpse of what is seen,
behind the front door of my house.
Colors of blue and green alternate,
releasing a spiritual sensation,
in the quiet corners of my heart.
I want to approach it,
feel the texture of the uneven glass,
as if my hand can reach through it.
I want to open the door,
run outside on my bare feet,
to feel the soft grass tickle my toes.
But something stops me.
Something holds my feet,
and all I can do is press my forehead,
gently against the cold glass.
Hesitation is the essence of doubt,
which is the beginning of fear.
I have to choose.
The choice of trust leads me,
on the greatest adventures.
The choice of fear leads me,
to an impasse in my life.
Even when my hands tremble,
or when my heart is filled with doubt,
I open the door with the blurred window –
A symbolism of the future.
Because sometimes our future,
is like opening a door with a blurred window.
All you can see is the outlines and colors,
the essence of what it has to be,
but you cannot see the full picture.
All you can do is trust.
Trust the outcome.
Trust your own ability,
your own beautiful self.
All you can do is take the first step,
knowing that fear is the lie,
we tell when we doubt ourselves.
To take a step is to make a choice.
To make a choice is asking yourself,
this one single question,
do I really trust myself?

This photograph is mine. If you want to use it, please ask and give credit! Thank you!

Creative Minds

Creative minds

I walk the temple grounds,
in my jungle colored harem pants,
declaring the state of my heart,
to a summer blue sky.

Parrots repeat my prayers,
like an echo across the mountains.
My mountains,
that I have climbed,
millions of times.

If only I could fly,
holding onto the lianas,
like that fictive man from the jungle,
I would let my heart sing,
screams of joy across the world.

But maybe I was born,
for this meditative state of my mind,
creating her own jungle,
in her own fictive mind.

Sometimes the greatest reality,
is the one that captures you,
and holds you tight.
Where a firm grip on your heart,
tells you that this jungle you created
isn’t so fictive after all.

Believing in your own reality,
creates a connection,
to a supernatural God,
who created you,
in his own imaginative mind.

Sometimes the greatest reality,
is the one that you create yourself,
in your own creative mind,
where faith makes the impossible,
your greatest possibility,
in a sometimes fictive world.

This photo is made by me. So, if you want to use it, that is absolutely fine, as long as you give me credit! Thank you!

The Birdcage

The Birdcage

An empty birdcage made of gold,
fills an empty space in a luxurious house.
Velvet sofas of red and green,
create an old fashioned yet classic décor,
where pearls would roll across the floor,
in an overflow of wealth.
The silent emptiness is overwhelming,
and a sadness roams the halls,
in a search for that one missing thing.
Echoes cry in the darkness,
on the ever-present cry of the wind.
Love cannot be bought,
or found in the materialistic items we own.
Only when a house is filled with people,
can we truly life our wildest dreams.
Life was not meant to live alone,
why then do we focus on those things,
that can never bring us joy?
A heart needs a heart to live in,
otherwise it withers away and dies.
An empty birdcage made of gold,
is forcing me to open a window,
where nature is calling the heart,
to spread her wings and fly away,
to that one heart she needs,
to feel alive once again.

Still life

Still life

Silent waves draw me in,
until every inch of me,
is filled with your beauty.

Out of your emptiness,
something new is born,
in the wakening of a bird.

I love to hold you,
in every sense of my being,
I see everything,
in your nothingness.

Silent membranes,
create sound waves,
only the purest soul can hear.

There is nothing,
and yet,
there is everything.

In this still life,
a creation is born,
in the utmost silence.

The dance of the starlings

The dance of  the starlings

As the content of my soul,
is spilled on the white marble floor,
the history of nature forces me,
to let her guide me along the way.  
Through the raindrops I fall down.
Through the fog I rise again,
but the sun remains behind the clouds,
until time is ready to show her off again.
Rainbows bring hope and promises,
of new beginnings and better times,
where the grass is finally greener,
on my side of the meadows,
and where birds joyfully fly.
Life has an art of falling and rising,
like the dance of starlings in the sky,
where one never knows the next step,
but the heart always follows the rhythm of the music,
the soul plays at that particular time.
As my arms spread and my hands open,
I catch the first raindrops of the season,
bringing the joy of my heart to the surface.
However dark the seasons are,
the knowledge of what is ahead,
softens the cracks in my broken heart,
teaching me that the negative will never last.
So, even when I do not know the future,
or what my next step on this road will be,
love is teaching me that greatest endurance,
is learning to dance in the pouring rain,
for the future that is already in sight.

Roots

Roots

Roots dig deep,
at the rivershore,
laying a firm foundation,
for the old cottage.
The water rises,
the wind blows through the trees,
bowing and breaking the branches,
but the roots do not give in.
As the sun sets behind the horizon,
the country roads become dark,
and the foxes come out of their holes to play,
still the roots protect the house,
for whatever is built on love,
will never fall,
and whoever relies,
on this firm foundation,
will find goodness,
for the rest of his life.

Belonging

Belonging

The world fades,
as pink roses bloom.
The bell rings,
and in the distance,
sounds the whistle,
of an old black steam train,
awakening the nostalgia,
like the perfume of roses,
awakens my soul,
in the heart of friendship.
I chime the tower clock,
while the organ plays,
our favorite symphony,
as white doves fly away,
on the warm summer breeze,
that my heart releases,
at the beginning of winter.
The open fire crackles,
wrapping its warmth around me,
like a warm blanket,
on a cozy Sunday afternoon.
The tea in my hands,
smells like cinnamon and apples,
while the hot carrot cake,
lays untouched on my plate.
And as the first snowflakes fall,
I curl up in your arms,
where belonging is the same,
as being home on a cold winter day!

Photo made by: Gineke van Keulen. (Do not use without permission! Thank you!)

Summer Festivities

Summer Festivities

Sunbeams warm my face,
music softly colors the background,
and rich scents of food swirl around me.

My heart is at ease,
even though the fire is still burning,
destroying everything on her path,
just a stones throw away from me.

Somehow I decided to shift my focus,
by turning my head away from the horizon.
Life is here to enjoy and celebrate,
so, instead of focusing on what I cannot change,
I allow my heart to breathe.

The wind plays with my hair.
And as a new energy caresses my skin,
I feel an energy of growth,
mixing herself with an energy of determination,
creating a whole new beat,
teaching me to sing about letting go,
while still holding on to the rhythm of purpose.

Summer festivities are a great distraction,
to celebrate this new beginning with love.
And as new friendships suddenly embrace me,
I realize that love generally finds you,
when you learn to lose control,
over the past and the future,
to live in the present with joy!