Interconnected

This poem ‘Interconnected’ is based on one of my experiences meeting God the Father. I hope you like it! 

Interconnected

In the depth of silence,
the world disappears,
in a single second.

Sitting in this endless universe,
stars twinkle all around me,
and fall silently in my lap.

Throwing stardust in my hair,
leaves whirl all around me,
and in the rising of the sun,
it is just me and you.

Interconnected,
the lifted heart finds peace.
In Your kiss,
unconditional love.

 

 

The Weaver and the tapestry

Our place in this world is unique. Each and every single one us has his own place in this world. There is not a person to many or too little. Everyone is exactly where he/she is supposed to be. It is like a tapestry. Each wire has its own place and function but the tapestry could not exist without each and every single threat.

When one comes face to face with an approaching death within the family, life somehow becomes much clearer. As my mom is battling cancer (a battle she is going to lose according to the doctors), I start to reflect on my life more than usual. Questions like; what is important to me and what do I really need, are going around in my mind. Looking back on life I can clearly see God’s hand in everything. Every moment in my life was carefully coordinated by His mighty hand. Before I was born, my life was painted into great detail. Not a single color or brushstroke was left out. Every word was written down. When life happens, it is very difficult to see that you are a part of a great tapestry. Your life really matters! It is the moment when life comes to a halt that you start to see the full picture (or after something bad happened).

We have these moments in life when we look back over our shoulder and suddenly see the full picture. As if we have always been looking at the bottom of this tapestry. All we could see was the knots and chaos in the threads. Nothing seemed to make sense. But suddenly you get a small glimpse at what the other side looks like. You can see the Weaver create every detail in this enormous tapestry. Every color and every thread is handpicked.

To me it is very comforting to know that Someone is in control. God is the Great Weaver who has put all His blood, sweat and tears into this masterpiece. Sometimes the knots hurt. Sometimes we believe that the threads are supposed to be at a different place or preferably not there at all. Sometimes we believe that we could do a better job, if we had a say in it. But looking at the tapestry of my own life, I personally disagree. I could not have done a better job at my tapestry than God. Even though I have been hurt, I can clearly see how much God loves me. God the Father has never allowed a single knot or thread at the wrong place or the wrong time. I can clearly see moments where evil tried to destroy or put the wrong thread in the tapestry and God stopped it.

Looking at the tapestry of life, all I can say is, God the Father did an amazing job. I can feel His love in every thread of my life, in every fiber of my being. Life isn’t easy and sometimes it seems unfair, but I believe that God sees the bigger picture. A picture I can not yet see. Sometimes I get a glimpse but I can never see the full tapestry. Still I only trust God with my life. I only trust God with my tapestry because I know that He does see the full picture. He knows where I came from and where I will go. He has created me and wove me into a unique masterpiece. Whenever life gets difficult and all I can see is chaos, God shows me His love in numerous ways. I can always talk to Him and He always listens to me. His hand holds mine and He never let’s go. His hands hold me up when I cannot stand anymore and His wisdom guides me along the way.

Even though I cannot see the full tapestry, I can see the Weaver.
Even though I do not understand all the knots and threads,
I do know that the end result will be breathtaking!

An ever present companion

Today, as I was standing in church, someone came up to me and asked me how I was. This may not be so extraordinary to you, but to me it is. In church people rarely talk to me. And I really mean…ME! Yes they say hello or inquire after my parents but they rarely speak to me.
It has always been that way. Somehow I don´t make friends easily. Yes, I have had friends in school but I always learned in the end that they were not my real friends. The amount of times I felt laughed at and ridiculed, I cannot tell you. At some point I simply stopped counting the times. But the words I never forgot, and to this day, those words are still haunting me at times. It often comes up in my mind when I am feeling insecure.
Those times I was “bullied” (not just by kids my own age but also by adults, who should have known better!), they have created a huge distrust towards people inside of me. People I should have been able to trust, appeared to be unreliable and mean. But people I didn’t trust, never got a chance to be a friend. It has literally turned my life upside down.
For a great part of my life, I have lived with this, at times suffocating, loneliness. But it was in those times of loneliness that God was very close. God was not just the Almighty Creator of Heaven and earth, He was often also a Father, a Brother and a Friend. He was all in one for me. Always there to make sure that I would feel loved. God always made sure that I didn’t feel alone. God saved my life in so many ways that I could never find a true way to properly say, “Thank You”.
The poem ‘Loneliness’ is about; how I felt in those moments of suffocating loneliness. I wrote it a couple of years ago, when I had just started writing again. I hope that it will bring love and hope to you in your own loneliness. And I hope it will make you see that with God, you are never really alone!

Loneliness 

My eyes can only see,
togetherness in bloom.
The bunch of roses show,
just one carnation in the room.

Not accepted by the world,
dwelling in my desolation,
my feet are wandering forth,
searching for salvation.

But loneliness is hunting me,
Like a lion hunts its prey,
where I go and what I do,
It never goes away.

drowning in my loneliness,
feeling that I’m not alone,
rescuing me to the shore,
a love I’ve never known.

He brings me in His presence,
my heart is filled with praise.
My God who took my loneliness,
replaced it with His grace.

 

 

Incomparably Beautiful! That’s you!

We all have our heroes. Whether it is a parent, a brother or sister, a friend, a coach or someone like Nelson Mandela or Mother Theresa, we all have someone we look up to. Several people at times because as we grow, our heroes can change with us. As a little child you can look up to your father but as grown up it can be someone entirely different! Whoever it is, it is someone we want to be like. We see someone and think, if only I could be more like him/her.

When I was a little girl, my family were my role models. My dad, my mom, my three brothers. I thought that if I would just be a little more like them, I would be a better, nicer or a more loved person. As I grew up, it changed into musicians in my teens to someone like Mother Theresa, Akiane Kramarik, and several Christian writers as an adult. If only I could be more like them, maybe then I would be better. How the mind can make up such lies is, at times, somewhat admirable. But the greatest lesson I have learned over the past few years is;

‘Do not compare yourself to other people
  &
Do not compare other people to yourself’

God has created everything in a unique way. When He created you, He did compare you to all the other humans that He had already created. On the contrary, He looked at you with new eyes. You are a unique masterpiece. And God didn’t stop creating, until you were absolutely perfect! And when He was done, He looked at you and saw that you were good…and He blessed you!

A couple of blogs ago I shared with you the poem ‘The Sunflower’. This poem is a message that God gave me at a time when I was wondering why the grass seemed a whole lot greener on all the other lawns. I was downcast. God had promised me things that hadn’t happen yet. In my eyes, others seemed to get blessing after blessing, while my life seemed like one big curse. Not only was I frustrated with myself, I was also a bit disappointed with God. Why wasn’t I prettier? Why wasn’t I a better writer? Why did nobody seemed to notice me? Why was my life so hard? Every day I fired a million questions to God’s throne because I was disappointed with myself and my life. At that time I started painting. First God gave me a vision of a sunflower to let me know what my first painting had to become. After I painted ‘The Sunflower’, He gave me the poem. And the last sentence has nestled itself in my heart ever since. Where it is stored for times I need it.

My child, I see the sunflower in you,
and all I ask is for you to see it too.

God has the same message for you today! Look at a sunflower. Look at how it always grows towards the light of the sun, with it’s radiant yellow petals. That beautiful flower is you! You are beautiful and uniquely made. You may grow towards the light of God, knowing that you are so loved, every single day of your life. Don’t compare yourself to other people. Whether it are people at work, school, church or TV, magazines and the internet. Focus on yourself. Who do you want to be? Rest in God’s love and light. God sees you as His perfectly beautiful child! But more important is, how do you see yourself?
Choose to see yourself through God’s eyes and focus on that only. You are a wonderful person just as you are! You are beautiful and uniquely made, a masterpiece created by the Almighty God Himself! And God loves you so much that He was willing to give up His beloved Son, Jesus Christ, so He could have a personal relationship with you! That is how much you are worth! That is who you are! You are God’s beloved child! Don’t you ever forget that!

May Love guide your steps to eternal life!

Daughter of God

This blog is another piece of my story. It started in January, when I was 29 years old. That one particular afternoon I was contemplating life. After my whole story had played like a film through my mind, I said to God, “Why did all of this happen to me? Why did you give me this life?” I didn’t close my eyes or fold my hands, I didn’t sit in a specific praying position, none of that. All I did was look up, with my eyes wide open and from speak from the deepest bottom of my heart. Not expecting an answer, I was very surprised when I did receive one. I heard an audible voice, the same one I heard in the past, who said, “God’s daughter, daughter of God”. That’s it.

All over the new testament, it is written that through Jesus Christ, through His sacrifice, we are called Children of God. Since I am a christian, I believe all that. However, I felt as if God was taking one more step. As if He wanted to say, “Yes, you are my child through Jesus, but you are also really my child”. Myself, I did not want to go that far. I could believe that I was a sinner saved by grace, but not that I was God’s own child. So I dismissed God’s words to me. All I was willing to accept out of His words was, that my life went the way it did because I was a follower of Jesus, a child of God through the cross. Nothing more, nothing less.

In April however I got a vision. One that completely overwhelmed me. I saw a green place. Green grass, green trees with green bushes in front of it. It was a secluded place with a long white (French garden style) table, with at the head tree chairs. I saw myself sitting on one side, on a chair. I looked different. My face seemed to glow, as if it was giving light, my eyes were brown, instead of blue/grey. My hair was dark brown, instead of grey/blond, and I had a fringe (which I haven’t had since I was a child!) and curlier hair than my straight hair now. My lips seemed a little thinner. My body frame was more petite. I cannot explain it really. It looked like me but at the same time I looked completely different. However I did recognize myself. I thought, I looked stunning. I was smiling and looked so happy. In fact, I looked so perfect that I didn’t know what to do with it. I felt to much of a sinner to be that girl. I guess in a way, I felt ashamed of myself. So I shook my head and pushed the vision, that God gave me, away. God showed me the way that He sees me, but somehow I wasn’t ready to accept that.

Throughout the following months I would get more visions and poems from God. Visions that felt like memories that were stored in my mind long before I was born. I had a vision about God creating the planets. I saw exactly what materials He used to create them. I saw a waterfall that is located somewhere in Heaven. The waterfall streams down from a giant rock into a small lake. I saw the city (The New Jerusalem) that has a small stream on either side with willows beside the streams. I saw a particular animal that doesn’t exist here on earth, a dear but than it was full-grown as big as a baby-deer. I saw a secluded garden with stone walls around it, which felt like a centre of peace, with rose trees. You know those little rose bushes but these rose trees were as tall as a apple tree. And it had a small fountain at the centre, with a bench (old roman style), where you could sit down and enjoy the serenity of the moment. and I saw many more. I never talked about it with anyone, not even my parents. Some I wrote down in poetry, some I didn’t write down at all and some were stored in my heart where it felt safe.

In November I was on the internet searching for names and their meaning. For some reason I have always been curious about that. For example, the name Gineke means Queen. Haha, who new! My parents certainly did not when they chose my name!
This time I was searching Hebrew names. I had found a list and started with the letter A. When I came to the names beginning with the letter B, the name Batyah jumped out right away. The meaning of the name Batyah is, God’s daughter, daughter of God. At that moment it didn’t hit me, but a few months later, in January, it did. It was exactly a year (12 months) ago when God had spoken to me. That day I suddenly put all the pieces together. Batyah was exactly what God had told me a year before. Batyah is me.

Think of it whatever you want. For me, it took me another 7 months before I was willing to accept that name. And even though God gave me a new name that year, I stick with my old one. Batyah is a name for Heaven, that’s what it feels like to me. On earth I am Gineke, and I am more than okay with that. I think what is more important, is that God loves me and sees me as His child. And all in the end, through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ we are just that. If God wants to call me Batyah then I am okay with that. If God wants to call me Gineke, that’s okay too. As long as He loves me, I am pretty much fine with whatever He chooses. Because His love is the fuel to my existence. It is what keeps me going when life gets tough. His love is more important to me. To me, it is everything!

The reason why I am sharing this story, is because God has the same message for you. Whatever way you see yourself, in God’s eyes you are perfect. You are God’s child and you are so loved. The love God has for you, trust me, you cannot even begin to fathom it. It is overwhelming!  When you look in the mirror today, please tell yourself that you are beautiful, loved and God’s child! Because that is the truth!

A letter from God the Father

Yesterday and today God the Father has given me a letter in poetry. Normally I don’t post these kind of poems/pieces because it is very personal. Today however I made the decision to share a recent one with you. I made this decision because I am fully aware that, what God the Father shared with me, can help many others as well. There are many people with hurt, grieve, questions and pain searching for comfort and love. And God the Father, through His Son Jesus Christ, can give you just that. I am merely the vessel, a messenger that wants to share God’s love with the world, the only way I know how…writing. In particular poetry.
I hope these words will help you, comfort you and surround you with God’s everlasting love. I pray they will strengthen you and bring peace.

A letter from your Father

Your heart is broken.
Like a porcelain cup,
your soul lays shattered,
on the marble floor,
of a palace that was once,
your home.

Like a child in the arms of his mother,
I want to take you in Mine,
rocking you to sleep in My love,
for your tears are hurting Me!

Have I gone too far, I wonder?
Has your image blurred in My sight?

Your thoughts are unanswered questions –
pieces of an incomplete puzzle.
Longing for the full picture,
you fire arrows at Me,
to confiscate the truth.

Unhurt is the heart of an unaware soul,
but safety will not protect you from sorrows.
In the stillness of My heart I cry for you,
counting the days until I can bring you back home.

In this maze we are running towards each other,
and with open arms I will catch you in your flight.

Do not try to find the answers My child,
but let the answers find its way to you.
Do not be sad My child,
for how can I forget My own heart?
The pain inflicted on you,
could never rob you out of My arms!

I hold you tight in the storm,
and tell you for once and for all,
that I will never let you go!

The world may be a stranger to you,
unaware of the beauty of your soul.
Darling, they don’t know you like I do!

Remember that love cannot be forced,
it can only be found in unexpected places.
Embrace the places of love,
and let go of the indifference towards you.

Open the door of your heart,
so love and light can find its way in.
Grieve is a temporary companion,
that you have hold on to for too long.
Allow Me to take its place instead.
Let Me take the pain,
to exchange it for My love.

The world cannot change who you are,
so do not fear their judgement.
Find peace in who I made you to be –
in the love I carry in My heart.

Spread your wings and fly, My child,
and find shelter in the shadows of My own wings.

My love for you is unexplainable in words,
uncountable like the stars in the universe.
Live out of My love,
let it be the food you eat,
and the air you breath,
for it is there where you will find your peace.

My child, I could go on an infinity longer,
but let this be enough.
Let this letter be the fuel to your heart,
where you will never give up.
Keep on writing for Me, My dearest child,
for the world has you for a reason.
Never lose sight of your purpose,
and live your life with love.

Always and forever,
I AM,
your Father.

Dealing with the negative side of life

Do you remember my blog posts, ‘How I deal with anxiety and stress’ & ‘Optimism is the key to a happy life’? Well so do I! I am an optimistic fighter by nature because I always feel that with a little bit of work and patience, negative feelings go away by itself. In the last few weeks however I came to an unexpected question. What if it doesn’t? What if all my wisdom fades away in a thick mist and nothing I ever learned helps me anymore? What then? In the last few weeks I hated to admit it to myself that I was stuck. I could not deal with it anymore. Not on my own. The stress and anxiety had taken control over me and everything I tried remained futile. On top of it all I developed a sinus infection, and due to the amount of stress I unconsciously kept tightening my jaw muscles, which are now probably overburdened as well. In short I am dealing with a large amount of fear, stress and pain.

Even though this was all taking place, my eyes were opened to something important. The fact that optimism leads to happiness is still something I highly support. But what if it isn’t that easy? What if it isn’t that easy to shake it all off. On social media I read a lot of quotes from public speakers (mainly christians) that if you just believe in God enough, fear will never be able to reach you. If you believe enough God will protect you and fear will not be a part of your life. The sentence, just be happy, was used a little to easy for my liking. In ways it even upset me! I live very closely to God and I still have a fair share of stress and fear to deal with. Does this mean that God doesn’t love me? Does this mean that I am not a true child of God because otherwise I would not be feeling this way? Or maybe God just has something against me and doesn’t want me! Or a last answer could be that I simply don’t have the Holy Spirit inside of me. Well in my opinion this is just nonsense! I have to believe in that otherwise I lose the only rock I still stand on.

God is a God of love! He does not hurt people. He does not punish people. I refuse to believe in an evil God that simply doesn’t like me. Jesus loves me and that is a fact! My stress and fear are not an example of God’s absence, on the contrary, I start to believe it is the proof of His presence. I may not see it or feel it right now but when I look back later on in life, I most certainly will. I believe that God can heal me with one word, and I still fervently hope that He will! But what if God allows me to experience this frantic panic, deep-rooted fear and overwhelming stress to teach me something. If God would heal me overnight, would that teach me something? Or would that be an easy way out? Something inside of me tells me that it would.

Last week I started therapy again. In a little while I will get EMDR treatment to help me get rid of the fear. After three psychologists, two assertivity treatments and one anxiety course at an earlier age, this is my last resort. My last resort to break free from whatever fear is holding me in its grip. It may sound drastic but I have lived with fear my entire life. I cannot remember a moment in my life where I wasn’t afraid. And through all that fear God showed me so many dreams and visions! He was with me every step of the way. He is still with me today, nudging me forward. God loves me, fear and all! In fact He loves me so much that He does not want a quick-fix. In fact He loves me so much, that He wants me to go through this fear because only then, I can come out stronger on the other end.

My therapist said it so beautifully, “Fear is the greatest suffering a human being can go through”. She is right. Out of everything I experienced it is the fear that was the worst. Fear leads to so many things. It leads to physical, emotional and mental health issues which are triggered by stress. And stress comes from fear. At the moment I am stuck in a depression. One moment is better than the other. One moment I cry the other I laugh. My emotions are like a swing set rocking back and forward. But with God’s help, going through treatment yet another time, I will be healed. Maybe not overnight but in time I will. If God taught me one thing it is this; good things come with patience. If you want a long effect, you will have to put some time and effort in it. Only with patience and effort, I will come out stronger on the other end.

When depression strikes it is not the end of the world. When depression strikes it is not the end of a book but merely the beginning of a whole new chapter. When you are going through anxiety, stress or depression, just like me, let me tell you that God is with you. You are not carrying this burden alone. God didn’t stop loving you somewhere down the road, even if that is how you feel right now. Keep holding on to God’s love. Keep praying, keep fighting and keep moving forward. You will come out of this and much stronger than you were before. Don’t give up and if you need prayer, send me a message through the contact section on this blog. You are not alone! I guarantee it! God is with you!

His power will be made perfect in my weakness!

I don’t know what to say or where to begin today. Too many insecurities are plaguing me. And the biggest insecurity is myself. That’s how I am sometimes. Sometimes I am my own worst critic, to such an extend that I completely forget to love myself a little.
I am trying to have an open discussion but my answers are taken the wrong way and I feel attacked. Regardless of whether I really am attacked or not, I feel it in my heart. And I think, some people are just more loved than me. Nobody understands me. And I want to give up. But giving up is not an option.

I just want to be honest today. I feel judged all the time because I have been judged to much in my life. I have been rejected, hated, judged, ignored and laughed at, and after all this time I am not so strong anymore. Yet strength is overrated. Jesus said, “My strength will be made perfect in weakness”. So I do not have to be strong. I just have to believe in Jesus.

When I am getting insecure, I can almost feel satan standing next to me saying, “Do you really think that you are good enough? Do you really think that God loves you? How can God love someone like you? You can never do anything right!” And for a moment, a brief moment, I believe him. Because I know that I am not good enough. In that moment I wonder why I keep going on. I wonder why I am still writing, trying, believing. In that brief moment I forget one very crucial element of faith. I do not have to be perfect! Jesus died for my sin because He knew that I couldn’t do it on my own! Through His death I am forgiven. Still… Still, I try to be the perfect girl. Still I try to punish myself. Still I try to work myself into heaven, thinking that Jesus will love me just a little more, if I just try a little harder. And I forget His love. I forget His sacrifice. I forget that His power will be made perfect in weakness. And I let the judgement of the world, fall like a blanket over me, suffocating me in grief.

All I ever wanted was for people to know God’s love. To see how much God loves this world. God allowed me to see many things, hear many things, understand many things. But when I try, I am judged. After every discussion, I end up in tears, because I start doubting myself. Even though I read the bible every day, I pray more than I talk to people and I work for God, satan knows my weakness and uses it to his own personal benefit. I almost hear him say, “Do you hear all these people? They all think differently than you. You are wrong! Give it up!” But I don’t. After everything God showed me and told me, I cannot give it up! I will keeping speaking about God’s love for mankind, whether someone will listen or not. I could show people all they do wrong, but I don’t. It would make me a hypocrite because there are so many things I do wrong as well. I can show people the splinter in their eye but forget the tree in my own!

I live my life a certain way because that is how God taught me. I write about God’s love because that is what He showed me. Jesus asked me to write a book, maybe….just maybe….because I understand God’s love. Love is greater than fear, greater than hate and greater than grief. Love is the greatest of all. That’s what I believe. That is what’s most important to me! So I don’t give up. I stumble forward because I hope that maybe, my writings will learn someone to love a little more. Because maybe Jesus power will be made perfect in my greatest weakness.

Yesterday I saw a picture of Oprah Winfrey. She stood up for kindness. After writing this blog I was reminded of that. So I want to stand up for love because I believe that is what the world needs today. To love each other a little more.

Are you allowed to get angry at God?

Are you allowed to get angry at God? It is an interesting question, isn’t it? I wrestled with this question a lot when I was younger. As a teenager I had the feeling that anger was a sin. I wasn’t allowed to get angry at the people around me and especially not at God. I looked at God as this almighty being, high on His throne and judging the world. I had based this on the stories of Israel in the bible. The amount of times that God the Father got angry at the Israelites was downright astonishing. Read the old testament and see how often God gets angry after people made mistakes. The old testament is filled punishments in order to get reconciliation. It wasn’t until I was in my late twenties that my opinion of God shifted.

Sometimes we get angry at little things in our life, especially when we are stressed out or worried. But sometimes we get angry because we got hurt. In that case anger becomes part of a grieving process. Through anger we learn how to deal with something. And in other occasions we get angry because things aren’t fair. We feel a high sense of unjust at something in our own lives or in the lives of others. I think we can all recognize one of the three. We all get angry whether we like it or not. It is part of our sinful living. But is anger always wrong? I think not. I think we are allowed to get angry when we see or experience injustice. When I see the amount of children living in poverty, I get angry because I think it is unjust that the world has such a lack of equal sharing. If I hear that a mom died of cancer, leaving behind young children, I can get angry because it is unfair in my opinion. When I get angry, I am not saying that God is mean and didn’t do the right thing. Not at all! I get angry because of sin. Because we live in a dark world and we still didn’t learn how to listen to God and do His will. But this is not an answer to the question if we are allowed to get angry at God.

Look at the story of Jonah. I love this story. This is one of the few stories in the old testament that shows us how God responds at our anger.
Jonah was called by God to go to Nineveh. The citizens of Nineveh sinned so much that God was pretty much done with them. Jonah had to go to Nineveh to tell the citizens that in three days God was going to destroy the city and all its inhabitants. Jonah however wasn’t willing to go. Instead He fled onto a ship that would sail in the opposite direction. But God wasn’t easy to fool. He provided a storm and Jonah was thrown overboard where a big fish swallowed him up. Three days Jonah sat in this fish to think about his actions. And Jonah ended up going to Nineveh after all. After Jonah told the citizens of Nineveh the message of God, he patiently waited for God to destroy the city. But God did not. The citizens of Nineveh changed their hearts and turned back to God. Because of this, God had mercy on Nineveh. This is where Jonah gets furious.
And what does God do? This is the part that I love so much. God calmly explains to Jonah exactly why He did what He did! God does not get angry at all, in fact He takes this moment of anger to teach Jonah more about Himself. Isn’t that amazing?

This story tells us that God does not mind our anger at all. In fact He takes it as an opportunity to teach us more about Himself. God’s heart is 100% love and God operates out of this love. His love is so big that we often don’t understand it.
Besides if God taught me one thing through my poetry, it is that God rather wants us to be honest! Our honesty, regardless of whether we are happy, sad or angry, means more to Him than anything else. We can keep a pretty facade but God knows our heart. If we would not be fully honest with God about what is going on inside of us, we would be lying to him. If we give God our anger and hurt, He is able to do something with that. God does not act unless we ask Him to. This also applies to our anger. God is fine with us being angry at Him as long as we keep an open mind to what He will do with that.

To me that is exactly the love of God. God loves us so much that He even wants to put up with our anger. For if we give our anger at Him, He can do something with that anger and turn it into something much more positive. So if you hold any grudges towards God, let Him know. He wants to do something with your anger. He wants to explain to you why He did what He did, but He cannot do that unless you tell Him. God is a God love, who will never force himself onto you. It is up to you to trust God. It is up to you to trust Him with your anger and your pain. He is already waiting for you, to shower you with His love and mercy. So don’t be afraid! Give God everything that you have inside your heart He is listening!

 

Take a breath!

I am in desperate need of rest and peace. My mind is going on and on without intermission. I feel the pressure of expectations weigh on me, like a huge boulder, in every aspect of my life. My heart is racing and my breath is getting shallower as if I am running a race in a too long marathon. I am out of breath and ready for a well needed break. But I am my greatest problem. I can’t say no. I cannot stand up for myself. I am insecure, afraid of what people might think. The pressure I put on myself is immense. To be perfect or not to be perfect that’s the question. That’s the dilemma. And through this all I hear God say, “I love you so much, regardless of what you do”. But it is like an echo in the distance. I desperately try to hold on to His light, but it fades in the darkness of my own expectations. In this world today I know that I am not the only one.  The deep desire to be this perfect girl, to please everyone, is becoming too much for me. But if the answer is so simple, to simply say, “No”, then why is it so hard for me to choose that?

My whole life I have had the feeling of having to prove myself. Not just to my family, friends, teachers, church and God, but also to myself. Making friends has always been hard for me and I have been rejected by people too often. And every single time I think that I am over the past, it hits me in the face. Too much has happened for me to be open and outgoing. My personality has changed with the waves, beating against my ocean shore. But I do not want to dwell in the past. I refuse to dwell in the laughter, the comments and the rejection that I was forced to face. Yet still it affects my life today. I am filled with fear. Fear of people disliking me or what I do. But their opinion isn’t important. This is about my own happiness. This is about me being able to be happy. Focussing on my weaknesses is not going to make me feel better, but focussing on my strengths is. I should be allowed to love myself. It should be illegal for me to hate myself for the things I am not good at. But that is life. Life throws your weaknesses in your face and tells you that you are not good enough. I need a break.

A break from my weakness would be a welcome escape and yet it is haunting me like a ghost in a long-ago abandoned house. How do I escape? And the same answer is back in my face. Just say no! Focus on your strengths instead of your weaknesses. It is so simple and yet so difficult. Because admitting that you are weak is losing your face. It is like standing naked in front a big crowd, bare and exposed. Giving people a reason to dislike you and that was exactly the fear I began with. In life we are asked to do things we are not good at and we force ourselves to do a perfect job at it. At least I do. Instead of being proud of of trying to become better at something that I’m not good at, I feel the noose around my neck tighten until all the air is sucked out of my lungs and I am in full panic mode. I know my strengths and weaknesses but I don’t like to be confronted with my weaknesses all the time. All I have to say is, “No”. Instead I walk away with my soul in my arms, rocking myself to sleep. Hoping then I find peace. Then in the midst of my distress I hear a soft whisper that says, “It is braver to say no and admit that you are weak, than to be brave behind a steel mask”.

The storm in my mind finally comes to a screeching halt. The waves beating against my heart come to rest and silence fills my soul. Rest and peace fill me up until my cup overflows. The love of God is not asking me to do what I am not good at yet, so I will be better. The love of God is telling me that I am good the way I am. Unimportant it is to be perfect. Important it is to be the perfect version of how God created you. God created mankind in His image. He created me as a unique being with my own talents. What I can do is something that others cannot and what others can do is something that I cannot do. We are all uniquely made. I may not be good at organizing events, speaking in front of people or leading a group of people. But I am good at helping people, writing and listening. Saying no at times…is proclaiming who you are. And when you are proclaiming who you are, you are proclaiming who God made you to be. And that is something, you can be proud of. When God loves me, I can happily be who I am, in His image, as His unique masterpiece, even when I have to admit that I am not good at some things.

Now…I can finally…take a breath!