How do I speak, when the words get stuck in my heart? It has been 11 months since my mother passed away. I have told you about how much pain it has caused me, but I have remained silent about the miracles God did for me surrounding my mother’s death.
I don’t know where to start really. The pain is still intense. I have moments where I feel as if I can handle it, but I also have moments where I silently wish her to come back. I miss my best friend, I miss our conversations, I miss her love and her hugs, I literally miss everything about her!
But that is not the reason why I wanted to write this blog. When my mother passed away some amazing things happened. I rarely talk about it but at some point, I have too and there is no better time than the present.
Before my mother passed away, or even became sick, death was a very scary thing for me. When I was a teenager, I had some traumatic experiences during my grandparents’ deaths. I was always somewhat forced to watch them in their coffin, even when I didn’t want to. It caused me to get nightmares and ever since I haven’t been able to see someone who is diseased. When I was still working in retirement homes, years ago, I had to, but it always came with a huge amount of fear. So, when my mother heard she got cancer and not more than 4 months to live, I already started to panic. I live with my parents and my mother really wanted to stay at home until the funeral. For months I told everyone that I didn’t want to see her after she passed. I didn’t even want to be around the coffin, I was so scared. The miracle happened, the moment my mother passed away. God took all my fear away from me in the blink of an eye. Without thinking I walked over to her, touched her head and said goodbye. My brother and my dad were stunned. The girl who was so scared, did the unthinkable. God gave me the strength to say goodbye to my mom, before and, after she passed away. It was the first miracle.
But the miracles kept coming. Not only did I touch her after she passed. I also was able to see her in her coffin and to be at home until the funeral. All the fear I had built up throughout my life was gone. I was no longer afraid of death. God healed the trauma from my youth exactly at the right moment. But that’s not all.
I had prayed to God before my mother’s funeral, if God wanted to help me not to cry. I know it sounds a bit weird maybe, but I wanted to experience every part of the funeral. I didn’t want a single moment to be a blur. I wanted to know who came, what songs we sang, the words that were said, everything. On the day of the funeral I only cried twice. When mom was carried out of the house and when her body was in the ground and we said our last goodbye. In between I didn’t shed one single tear. God had answered my prayer. He had allowed me to experience everything and it was beautiful. Exactly the way my mother would have wanted it to be. At some point my sister-in-law asked me why I didn’t have to cry, since everybody else was, but I simply couldn’t. God had taken all my tears for that day as an answer to my prayer. But that’s not all. There is one more miracle.
After my mother’s funeral, for two months, I kept getting a vision. Every time I felt like breaking down, God gave me one vision. It was always the same one. I saw a house. The house was made of a white, glass like material I have never seen here on earth. It was a big farm-villa-mansion type house. The material looked exactly like the building in the painting ‘Supreme Sanctuary’ by Akiane Kramarik. But this house looked different. The setting was also very different. The house was at the edge of a forest. A small white fence was around the plot. It had green grass and against the house were rose bushes with roses that were bigger than I had ever seen. The roses where red, my mother’s favorite color! Every time I saw this vision, I heard Jesus say, “Do you remember that prayer you prayed when your mother was sick? The one in which you asked me to give her a special place in heaven because she was such a good mother to you? Well, this is it. This is where she is now. She is with me and she is safe. I will take good care of her”. The vision and the words gave me so much comfort that my tears instantly disappeared. It took the edge of my pain. I will Always be thankful to Jesus for the way He helped me in my deepest grieve. He really went out of His way to help me and to comfort me.
Jesus performed miracles when I needed Him most. He didn’t heal my mother like I wanted to and yes that made me angry. But He did help me through the pain. This is the reason why I wanted to share this story of mine. I want you to know that even though Jesus may not answer your prayer, He will help you through the pain. Jesus doesn’t leave you nor forsake you. Jesus is there in your deepest darkest hours, holding you in His arms, wiping your tears away. Jesus loves you, even when He cannot answer your prayer the way that you want Him to. You’re are safe in His presence and He loves you more than you could ever possibly know. Always remember that!