Last night I was reading Romans 2. When I got to the eleventh verse, I felt so touched
‘For there is no partiality with God’.
You may know by now that my life was far from easy. I have never really spoken about what happened because I don’t want to hurt the people that hurt me. This may sound weird, but it is something that God taught me. One day, a couple of years ago, I wanted to write my story down for all the wrong reasons. I wanted others to feel a grain of the pain I felt all those years. But God said to me, “Gineke, there are those that hurt you because they really wanted to but there are also those that hurt you because they got hurt first. They hurt you out of their own brokenness. If you tell your story, you will hurt them all over again. Don’t take revenge”! That day I decided that my story would not be told. Or at least the names of the people who hurt me, nor how they are related to me (whether family, friends or aqcuaintances), would ever be told. But I will say this. I was yelled at, laughed at, excluded, rejected, ridiculed and hurt. The worst thing that was ever said to me was that I was worthless.
Because of my past I have several issues among which a generalized anxiety disorder and a negative self-image. It is something I have been battling for years. Especially when nothing in life seems to go to plan, I mentally punish myself even when it is not my fault. I am literally my own worst critic. When I have these depressive moods, it shows especially in my prayers. I ask God what is wrong with me and on rare days, I even ask God why He still loves me because He is better off without me. In my own view God could better replace for somebody else because everybody is better than me. This sounds worrisome but the past has left some ugly scars that hurt from time to time. I have had numerous therapists, including EMDR, but nothing worked so far. I have prayed countless prayers for myself but none of them were answered.
So, when I read that verse last night, it felt like lightning on a blue sunny day. Too many people have rejected me and because of that I Always feel as if everybody else is Always better than me. I am never good enough. But don’t we all feel this way? Don’t we all feel either better or worse than somebody else? Whether it is in religion of our jobs, our family our character, we feel better or worse than others. But God does not!!!
God looks at us without judgement. He loves us all equally, regardless of who we are, what we have done or what we look like. Like God told Samuel in 1 Samuel 16:7,
“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
Samuel was at the house of Jesse to anoint the new King. When Jesse sons were presented, Samuel judged them the way he saw them. One look strong, the other intelligent and another handsome. But God reminded Samuel that the heart is more important that the outward appearance. God had chosen David. A young shepherd boy. The one who looked least like a future King.
For us it works the same way. We look at other the way we see them. We put them on a pedestal and praise them for their beauty, outstanding work, amount of charity, their ministry, their prayer life etc. But God reminds us that this is all just outward appearance. None of us is better than the other. People may look almost perfect, but they have issues that we know nothing about. They are not better than us, but they are just like us. Isn’t that beautiful? Instead of punishing ourselves for not being good enough we may remind ourselves that God loves us so much and with God there is no partiality. In God’s eyes we are beautiful, unique, created by Him and dearly loved by Him.
So, the next time when I feel down. The next time when my past reminds me that I am never good enough. I only must remind myself that with God there is no partiality. God loves me and that’s the truth.
God loves you and accepts you the way you are, even when you find it hard to accept yourself. Do you believe that?
If you need prayer, maybe because you have a negative self-image as well or because you feel hurt, let me know. You can do this via a contact form (this way I get an email and it is all private) or you may write it below this message. You are not alone! You are loved by Jesus!