Which wings do you have?

There is nothing more breakable than the wings of a butterfly. The slightest touch can break these little fragile wings. In life we often feel like these butterfly wings. We feel as if the least bit of hurt can break us. This state of anxiety does not necessarily have to be noticeably present, it often lingers underneath the surface. Of course we are aware that we can stand a little bit of hurt, as long as it is not too much.

We live our life, trying to avoid as much problems as possible. When problems occur we analyze them until we are certain that it wasn’t our fault. This way we keep ourselves up right, because we know that when it was our faults, our Wings may break. So as long as we keep ourselves out of the wind, we are fine.

Unfortunately life does not always agree with this.  Neither does our heart and mind by the way. The other day I released my poem ‘Mind Game’. Because that is what life really is. It is all a mind game. We trick our minds to feel well, even if our hearts disagree because we hope that somehow our hearts will catch up with it. Which it most often does! But how long can we trick ourselves this way? How long can we fool ourselves. ‘Mind Game’ was inspired by something Jesus told me. Having a generalized anxiety disorder is not easy and it often brings me in trouble. For a long time this mind game has worked out fine, until last year.

Losing my mom pulled me over the edge. I started to doubt myself immensely. To the point where I pleaded with God to help me out, and this is what I learned. Jesus said, “Tell yourself that I love you. I know your heart will not believe it now, because you are in so much pain, but in time your heart will catch up with your mind”. The love of Jesus is actually all we need. We don’t need to trick our minds by telling ourselves things that we don’t yet believe in, in the hope that one day the fearful or hateful thoughts about ourselves go away. All we need is the love of Jesus. It is all we need to set ourselves free. Regardless of what you have done in life (or failed to do), regardless of what you do and how good or bad you are at doing it, Jesus loves you, end of discussion.

We are trying so hard to be perfect, to look perfect and to be a certain way that we forget the love of Jesus so easily. Of course we fool ourselves that we don’t  but that is merely lying to ourselves. You see, Jesus could have said, “Honey, just tell yourself that you are not afraid, and one day your heart will catch up with your mind”. But that would not have fixed my anxiety disorder. Whether or not I will ever heal of this disorder is beside the point. The point is that it is easier for me to remain calm if I simply focus on the mere fact that Jesus loves me. I can prevent freaking out over petty little fears by knowing that Jesus loves me. The love of Jesus allows me to say, “It didn’t work out today, but maybe tomorrow it will”. The love of Jesus does not necessarily heal me, but it takes me a lot further than playing tricks on my mind does.

Sometimes it takes us to embrace our problems, so we can deal with them or overcome them. Fighting is not the solution, love is. You cannot control your life, problems, people around you or the world, but you can control your faith in the simple fact that Jesus loves you.

The beauty is also that as we focus on our fragile butterfly wings that can break so easily, God is focussing on our massive eagle wings instead. Mother Theresa said it so beautifully, “I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle, I just wish He didn’t trust me so much”. God has an entirely different view on us as we do. Where we see problems, God see solutions, Where we see ugly, God sees beauty, where we see hate, God finds love in the midst of all evil. God us smarter than us, so why don’t we give it a try. Why don’t we start seeing things from His perspective a little more. Fun fact is, that whenever I fuss over the way I look, Jesus tells me (He Always does this!!!), “Stop doing that, you are beautiful just as you are.” Jesus thinks that I am beautiful without make up, dressed in a turtle neck and just a little bit fat (or a lot, that depends on perspective) Where I see my little, fragile butterfly wings, Jesus points out my massive eagle wings.

The end of the story….Life is a mind game, life is a matter of perspective. Which do you choose?

Prepare without timeframes!

The year is almost over. One more day and a new year starts with new chances and new possibilities. Interesting thought though, we don’t need a new year for new chances and new possibilities. For some reason we need that ourselves. We need a timeframe that gives us hardship and a new timeframe that brings us blessings, however long that timeframe may be.

For years I would decide, on December 31st, that the new year would be a better year. Every year had some form of hardship in it, so I would decide that the new year would be better. After a couple of years, we, my mother and I, would make a ritual of this. On December 31st we would tell each other, “Next year will be better.” But years came and went and nothing improved. About two years ago I stopped this ritual because it didn’t work anyway. I simply couldn’t timeframe my life. I couldn’t decide for myself that things would get better.

Through the years I have always had the feeling that God directed my life more than I did. For as long as I can remember I have felt that I have zero control over my own life. I made plans and I dreamed dreams but things always turned out so much different.

In their hearts humans plan their course,
    but the Lord establishes their steps.
Proverbs 16:9

It felt as if, whatever I decided, God had His own plan for me and His plan would come to completion regardless of what I said or did. I couldn’t predict the future in any way. Exactly a year ago I had no idea that 2018 would turn out the way it did. If I would have known, I would have gone into hibernation, that much is certain. 2018 was a year that shook the foundations of my life and tore everything apart that I was certain of. It was a year where I wrestled with God just like Jacob did,

Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
Genesis 32:28

The two big differences between me and Jacob are that I wrestled with God in prayer, and not face-to-face, and second, I don’t have the feeling like I have overcome anything. I have felt angry, hurt, defeated, empty, sad and confused, and not necessarily in that order. I tried to change and negotiate the plan God had but without success.

Was the year only bad? Is my life one huge failure? No! In the last year only, God also answered me. He said, “Honey if  I would explain it to you now, you wouldn’t understand it. But one day I will explain it to you, I promise.” God also taught me to be open and honest with Him about how I feel inside. And there were blessings like meeting Lynn Austin, who told me not to quit writing (something I was highly thinking about). God brought blessings and people in my life when I needed it most.

That’s the thing about life. Blessings and hardships go hand in hand. God is near to the broken-hearted but still feels so far away in times of grieve. God cries with us, gets angry with us and laughs with us but still we so often feel as if He doesn’t care. God is too great for our minds to comprehend and still we try every single day to grasp an inch of Him.
It is not a lack of faith or trust, it is a simple desire to be as close to Him as we possibly can because we know, that He, Jesus Christ, is the only place where we can truly heal and find peace. Someone once said, “You get the angriest at the one you love most”. And in my own case, there is a big truth to that.

We cannot timeframe life. We cannot timeframe a year. We cannot predict the future or change the past. We can only live today. We can only prepare for the future. Just like the ten virgins in Jesus’ parable (Matthew 25), we can only make sure that we have enough oil for our lamps. Read your bible, pray, worship God, use the gifts and talents God gave you and treat everyone with love. That is the only thing we can control. That is the only way we can prepare. We cannot control the year to come, we can only prepare for it. Without any timeframes!

May the Lord bless you and keep you in the new year to come! Have a blessed 2019!

Trust

Trust

Trust is letting go,
when all you want to do,
is to hold tight.

Like sinking sand,
trust tells you to stand still,
when life swallows you up.

When fear is driving you mad,
trust forces you to remain calm.

In the tornado of emotions,
the eye of the storm is at the center.
It is the only place of silence,
where love clears the mind  from tensions.

When questions exasperate you,
answer will not satisfy your soul.

Like a bird,
jumping from one branch to another,
your mind,
skips from thought to thought,
longing for answers.

Trust is letting go,
when all you want to do,
is to hold tight!

Trust