Interconnected

This poem ‘Interconnected’ is based on one of my experiences meeting God the Father. I hope you like it! 

Interconnected

In the depth of silence,
the world disappears,
in a single second.

Sitting in this endless universe,
stars twinkle all around me,
and fall silently in my lap.

Throwing stardust in my hair,
leaves whirl all around me,
and in the rising of the sun,
it is just me and you.

Interconnected,
the lifted heart finds peace.
In Your kiss,
unconditional love.

 

 

When the world turns upside down

At the moment the ground behind our house is a construction sight where new houses are being build. Somehow this is exactly how I feel my life is at the moment. A construction sight where someone is working very hard to establish something and I  don´t know whether or not I am happy with it. Somehow I feel like my whole life comes together at this particular moment. Things are about to change and I am not happy with it.

Thursday before Easter we heard that my mother has cancer. A week later we heard that it had already spread throughout her body and she only has a couple more months to live. It felt as if the ground underneath me opened up and I was swallowed into the deep earth. As if a massive earthquake turned my entire life upside down. Even today I find it difficult to deal with. My mother is the sweetest soul that ever lived (according to my humble opinion), and that this had to happen to her seemed unfair to me. I know that a lot of people are in similar situations, so why would my mother be an exception to the rule? When it is your own family, I believe that we are all biased in some ways.
But it’s not just my mother’s good heart. She is also my best friend. Since making friends was never an easy for me, I spend a lot of my time with my mother. We made trips together to Vienna and London, we always go shopping together or drink coffee/tea at a cafe. She is the first person I go to when I am struggling with something. I tell her literally everything. She is my greatest support and always encourages me to keep pursuing my dreams. She was the first to believe in my dreams/visions and my conversations with God. She was the first to accept and support my calling. As you can see, my mother means so much to me and sooner or later, it will all be gone.

Maybe I should feel happy that she is going to Jesus, to Heaven. But right now I just feel selfish and I want to keep her close to me. I am simply not ready to lose her. I am not ready to go through this change. In the last weeks I have yelled at God, screamed at Him, cried out to Him. My emotions are twirling like a wild tornado and I feel, like I will never be joyful again. Anger has slipped into my heart, a feeling of unfairness. God can heal her and He is not doing it. People say that God has His reasons but if you see others being healed over and over again, it feels slightly unfair that your loved one has to pay the price.

Looking back at photos from a year back, I see that the tumor we noticed last December, has been there for a long time. It made me wonder why God didn’t open our eyes sooner? Why didn’t we get a chance to save her? I talk to God on a daily basis in many literal ways (which is unique I know) but this makes no sense to me.  So many questions went through my mind. When the bible tells us to pray, believe that you have received it and it will be given to you, why doesn’t God answer the prayer when we do exactly that? I prayed, I believed and it was not given to me. Why doesn’t God intervene, when He clearly has the power to do so?

The only answer that comes up inside my heart, right at this moment, is because He loves us! God will not let us be tested above our abilities. Maybe, just maybe, God loves my mother so much that He wants to prevent her from getting hurt. Maybe bringing my mother Home (to Heaven) is the only right answer. And maybe, even though I do not feel it right now, God will help me through this. I will get through this. One day I will get up and smile again.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

God loves me. And it is that love that will guide me through this. The interesting thing is that as I was angry at God, I refused to talk to Him for a while. But God talked to me and said, “Gineke, talk to me”! You see, God rather wants us to yell at Him in anger as we tell Him exactly what is inside our hearts than hide and ignore Him. God the Father once told me, “When you cry, I cry. When you are angry, I am angry. When you laugh, I laugh”. God is one with our emotions. He feels what is inside our hearts. He understands all the emotions that are within us. When someone hurts us, God gets hurt too. So if there is one who we can confide in, it is God. And that is what I ended up doing. I told God exactly how I feel and it made me feel a whole lot better. I cannot grow by my own strength, I need the light of God to lift me up. Only with God I can get through this. Only with God there is hope even when I don’t see it yet.

The Weaver and the tapestry

Our place in this world is unique. Each and every single one us has his own place in this world. There is not a person to many or too little. Everyone is exactly where he/she is supposed to be. It is like a tapestry. Each wire has its own place and function but the tapestry could not exist without each and every single threat.

When one comes face to face with an approaching death within the family, life somehow becomes much clearer. As my mom is battling cancer (a battle she is going to lose according to the doctors), I start to reflect on my life more than usual. Questions like; what is important to me and what do I really need, are going around in my mind. Looking back on life I can clearly see God’s hand in everything. Every moment in my life was carefully coordinated by His mighty hand. Before I was born, my life was painted into great detail. Not a single color or brushstroke was left out. Every word was written down. When life happens, it is very difficult to see that you are a part of a great tapestry. Your life really matters! It is the moment when life comes to a halt that you start to see the full picture (or after something bad happened).

We have these moments in life when we look back over our shoulder and suddenly see the full picture. As if we have always been looking at the bottom of this tapestry. All we could see was the knots and chaos in the threads. Nothing seemed to make sense. But suddenly you get a small glimpse at what the other side looks like. You can see the Weaver create every detail in this enormous tapestry. Every color and every thread is handpicked.

To me it is very comforting to know that Someone is in control. God is the Great Weaver who has put all His blood, sweat and tears into this masterpiece. Sometimes the knots hurt. Sometimes we believe that the threads are supposed to be at a different place or preferably not there at all. Sometimes we believe that we could do a better job, if we had a say in it. But looking at the tapestry of my own life, I personally disagree. I could not have done a better job at my tapestry than God. Even though I have been hurt, I can clearly see how much God loves me. God the Father has never allowed a single knot or thread at the wrong place or the wrong time. I can clearly see moments where evil tried to destroy or put the wrong thread in the tapestry and God stopped it.

Looking at the tapestry of life, all I can say is, God the Father did an amazing job. I can feel His love in every thread of my life, in every fiber of my being. Life isn’t easy and sometimes it seems unfair, but I believe that God sees the bigger picture. A picture I can not yet see. Sometimes I get a glimpse but I can never see the full tapestry. Still I only trust God with my life. I only trust God with my tapestry because I know that He does see the full picture. He knows where I came from and where I will go. He has created me and wove me into a unique masterpiece. Whenever life gets difficult and all I can see is chaos, God shows me His love in numerous ways. I can always talk to Him and He always listens to me. His hand holds mine and He never let’s go. His hands hold me up when I cannot stand anymore and His wisdom guides me along the way.

Even though I cannot see the full tapestry, I can see the Weaver.
Even though I do not understand all the knots and threads,
I do know that the end result will be breathtaking!

An ever present companion

Today, as I was standing in church, someone came up to me and asked me how I was. This may not be so extraordinary to you, but to me it is. In church people rarely talk to me. And I really mean…ME! Yes they say hello or inquire after my parents but they rarely speak to me.
It has always been that way. Somehow I don´t make friends easily. Yes, I have had friends in school but I always learned in the end that they were not my real friends. The amount of times I felt laughed at and ridiculed, I cannot tell you. At some point I simply stopped counting the times. But the words I never forgot, and to this day, those words are still haunting me at times. It often comes up in my mind when I am feeling insecure.
Those times I was “bullied” (not just by kids my own age but also by adults, who should have known better!), they have created a huge distrust towards people inside of me. People I should have been able to trust, appeared to be unreliable and mean. But people I didn’t trust, never got a chance to be a friend. It has literally turned my life upside down.
For a great part of my life, I have lived with this, at times suffocating, loneliness. But it was in those times of loneliness that God was very close. God was not just the Almighty Creator of Heaven and earth, He was often also a Father, a Brother and a Friend. He was all in one for me. Always there to make sure that I would feel loved. God always made sure that I didn’t feel alone. God saved my life in so many ways that I could never find a true way to properly say, “Thank You”.
The poem ‘Loneliness’ is about; how I felt in those moments of suffocating loneliness. I wrote it a couple of years ago, when I had just started writing again. I hope that it will bring love and hope to you in your own loneliness. And I hope it will make you see that with God, you are never really alone!

Loneliness 

My eyes can only see,
togetherness in bloom.
The bunch of roses show,
just one carnation in the room.

Not accepted by the world,
dwelling in my desolation,
my feet are wandering forth,
searching for salvation.

But loneliness is hunting me,
Like a lion hunts its prey,
where I go and what I do,
It never goes away.

drowning in my loneliness,
feeling that I’m not alone,
rescuing me to the shore,
a love I’ve never known.

He brings me in His presence,
my heart is filled with praise.
My God who took my loneliness,
replaced it with His grace.

 

 

My greatest love

This poem is my love letter to God the Father. He is the greatest love I ever knew and will ever know. Dearly Beloved Father, I love You!

My greatest love.

The dawn shouts words of praise,
the sunset sings her songs of joy,
angel voices move the waves,
of Your oceans filled with love and grace.
If I would count the grains of sand,
to show the world how great You are,
The world would not be big enough,
the beaches not to wide and far.

You are my candle in the darkness,
my sun and moon up in the sky,
combined with all the twinkling stars,
Your heart shines in my darkest night.
You guide my way throughout my life,
with You I walk through fear and grief.
My protection is Your shining light,
Your whispering words  my great relief.

You are the oxygen that fills my lungs,
the blood that streams through all my veins,
My heart beats only when You want it to,
I find all my tears upon Your face.
With every fiber of my heart and soul,
I trust my life upon You,
You are my dearly beloved Father,
the greatest love I ever knew.

 

Broken

We are just two weeks before Easter and next week the Passion week starts. The Passion week is the week where Christians remember Jesus suffering. I felt it in my heart. Today is the day to share this poem with you.
I wrote this poem when I was 25 years old. It was one of the first poems that I wrote, after God called me to start writing again after a seven year break. I was still in that period of my life where I wanted to write down everything I had been through in the past. And this poem started out the same way.
However as I started writing, a particular image formed in my mind. It was the very first time I felt as if God put me in someone else’s shoes. I felt so broken. Laying on the floor almost. The tears were heartfelt. I felt like reaching out to Jesus but at the same time feeling unable to. I wrote down everything I felt and witnessed. When I was done, I reread the poem and was blown away. Instantly the name of the person, that this poem was about, found itself a way up in my mind.

This poem is about the Apostle Peter, right after He denied Jesus. There is a particular bible verse about this poem. Matthew 26:75 which says, “Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken: “Before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly”. This is the moment described in my poem.

Maybe you feel overwhelmed by life yourself. Maybe you did something and you feel as if God will never forgive you. Let me tell you that Peter knows exactly how you feel. When He denied Jesus, He cried bitterly. Peter must have felt that Jesus would definitely not forgive him. But guess what? Jesus did forgive Peter. In fact Jesus reinstalled Peter as one of His disciples. Isn’t that a hopeful message. If you feel that God could never forgive you for your missteps, then let me tell you that He can and He will! God is love! And in His great love, He wants you to know that you are forgiven. He loves you and cares about you and all He wants is for you to be His beloved child!

I hope this poem may be a blessing to you and a reminder of God’s love and forgiveness in your brokenness. And I hope that when you read this poem, you will know; you are not alone! Peter knows how you feel and besides Peter there are so many more. You are not alone in your hurt and brokenness!

May the love of God be wrapped around you like a warm blanket!

Broken

I feel the rain
falling down on me
tears of pain
that I didn’t see.

I want to hide
when I look at you
It’s what I denied
that I put you through

I can’t turn back
go back in time
a weak attack
I see my crime

My tears are falling
And Yours do too
I can’t stop calling
Out to you

Now I recall
The words You had spoken
Lord, you knew it all
My heart is broken.

Incomparably Beautiful! That’s you!

We all have our heroes. Whether it is a parent, a brother or sister, a friend, a coach or someone like Nelson Mandela or Mother Theresa, we all have someone we look up to. Several people at times because as we grow, our heroes can change with us. As a little child you can look up to your father but as grown up it can be someone entirely different! Whoever it is, it is someone we want to be like. We see someone and think, if only I could be more like him/her.

When I was a little girl, my family were my role models. My dad, my mom, my three brothers. I thought that if I would just be a little more like them, I would be a better, nicer or a more loved person. As I grew up, it changed into musicians in my teens to someone like Mother Theresa, Akiane Kramarik, and several Christian writers as an adult. If only I could be more like them, maybe then I would be better. How the mind can make up such lies is, at times, somewhat admirable. But the greatest lesson I have learned over the past few years is;

‘Do not compare yourself to other people
  &
Do not compare other people to yourself’

God has created everything in a unique way. When He created you, He did compare you to all the other humans that He had already created. On the contrary, He looked at you with new eyes. You are a unique masterpiece. And God didn’t stop creating, until you were absolutely perfect! And when He was done, He looked at you and saw that you were good…and He blessed you!

A couple of blogs ago I shared with you the poem ‘The Sunflower’. This poem is a message that God gave me at a time when I was wondering why the grass seemed a whole lot greener on all the other lawns. I was downcast. God had promised me things that hadn’t happen yet. In my eyes, others seemed to get blessing after blessing, while my life seemed like one big curse. Not only was I frustrated with myself, I was also a bit disappointed with God. Why wasn’t I prettier? Why wasn’t I a better writer? Why did nobody seemed to notice me? Why was my life so hard? Every day I fired a million questions to God’s throne because I was disappointed with myself and my life. At that time I started painting. First God gave me a vision of a sunflower to let me know what my first painting had to become. After I painted ‘The Sunflower’, He gave me the poem. And the last sentence has nestled itself in my heart ever since. Where it is stored for times I need it.

My child, I see the sunflower in you,
and all I ask is for you to see it too.

God has the same message for you today! Look at a sunflower. Look at how it always grows towards the light of the sun, with it’s radiant yellow petals. That beautiful flower is you! You are beautiful and uniquely made. You may grow towards the light of God, knowing that you are so loved, every single day of your life. Don’t compare yourself to other people. Whether it are people at work, school, church or TV, magazines and the internet. Focus on yourself. Who do you want to be? Rest in God’s love and light. God sees you as His perfectly beautiful child! But more important is, how do you see yourself?
Choose to see yourself through God’s eyes and focus on that only. You are a wonderful person just as you are! You are beautiful and uniquely made, a masterpiece created by the Almighty God Himself! And God loves you so much that He was willing to give up His beloved Son, Jesus Christ, so He could have a personal relationship with you! That is how much you are worth! That is who you are! You are God’s beloved child! Don’t you ever forget that!

May Love guide your steps to eternal life!

Daughter of God

This blog is another piece of my story. It started in January, when I was 29 years old. That one particular afternoon I was contemplating life. After my whole story had played like a film through my mind, I said to God, “Why did all of this happen to me? Why did you give me this life?” I didn’t close my eyes or fold my hands, I didn’t sit in a specific praying position, none of that. All I did was look up, with my eyes wide open and from speak from the deepest bottom of my heart. Not expecting an answer, I was very surprised when I did receive one. I heard an audible voice, the same one I heard in the past, who said, “God’s daughter, daughter of God”. That’s it.

All over the new testament, it is written that through Jesus Christ, through His sacrifice, we are called Children of God. Since I am a christian, I believe all that. However, I felt as if God was taking one more step. As if He wanted to say, “Yes, you are my child through Jesus, but you are also really my child”. Myself, I did not want to go that far. I could believe that I was a sinner saved by grace, but not that I was God’s own child. So I dismissed God’s words to me. All I was willing to accept out of His words was, that my life went the way it did because I was a follower of Jesus, a child of God through the cross. Nothing more, nothing less.

In April however I got a vision. One that completely overwhelmed me. I saw a green place. Green grass, green trees with green bushes in front of it. It was a secluded place with a long white (French garden style) table, with at the head tree chairs. I saw myself sitting on one side, on a chair. I looked different. My face seemed to glow, as if it was giving light, my eyes were brown, instead of blue/grey. My hair was dark brown, instead of grey/blond, and I had a fringe (which I haven’t had since I was a child!) and curlier hair than my straight hair now. My lips seemed a little thinner. My body frame was more petite. I cannot explain it really. It looked like me but at the same time I looked completely different. However I did recognize myself. I thought, I looked stunning. I was smiling and looked so happy. In fact, I looked so perfect that I didn’t know what to do with it. I felt to much of a sinner to be that girl. I guess in a way, I felt ashamed of myself. So I shook my head and pushed the vision, that God gave me, away. God showed me the way that He sees me, but somehow I wasn’t ready to accept that.

Throughout the following months I would get more visions and poems from God. Visions that felt like memories that were stored in my mind long before I was born. I had a vision about God creating the planets. I saw exactly what materials He used to create them. I saw a waterfall that is located somewhere in Heaven. The waterfall streams down from a giant rock into a small lake. I saw the city (The New Jerusalem) that has a small stream on either side with willows beside the streams. I saw a particular animal that doesn’t exist here on earth, a dear but than it was full-grown as big as a baby-deer. I saw a secluded garden with stone walls around it, which felt like a centre of peace, with rose trees. You know those little rose bushes but these rose trees were as tall as a apple tree. And it had a small fountain at the centre, with a bench (old roman style), where you could sit down and enjoy the serenity of the moment. and I saw many more. I never talked about it with anyone, not even my parents. Some I wrote down in poetry, some I didn’t write down at all and some were stored in my heart where it felt safe.

In November I was on the internet searching for names and their meaning. For some reason I have always been curious about that. For example, the name Gineke means Queen. Haha, who new! My parents certainly did not when they chose my name!
This time I was searching Hebrew names. I had found a list and started with the letter A. When I came to the names beginning with the letter B, the name Batyah jumped out right away. The meaning of the name Batyah is, God’s daughter, daughter of God. At that moment it didn’t hit me, but a few months later, in January, it did. It was exactly a year (12 months) ago when God had spoken to me. That day I suddenly put all the pieces together. Batyah was exactly what God had told me a year before. Batyah is me.

Think of it whatever you want. For me, it took me another 7 months before I was willing to accept that name. And even though God gave me a new name that year, I stick with my old one. Batyah is a name for Heaven, that’s what it feels like to me. On earth I am Gineke, and I am more than okay with that. I think what is more important, is that God loves me and sees me as His child. And all in the end, through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ we are just that. If God wants to call me Batyah then I am okay with that. If God wants to call me Gineke, that’s okay too. As long as He loves me, I am pretty much fine with whatever He chooses. Because His love is the fuel to my existence. It is what keeps me going when life gets tough. His love is more important to me. To me, it is everything!

The reason why I am sharing this story, is because God has the same message for you. Whatever way you see yourself, in God’s eyes you are perfect. You are God’s child and you are so loved. The love God has for you, trust me, you cannot even begin to fathom it. It is overwhelming!  When you look in the mirror today, please tell yourself that you are beautiful, loved and God’s child! Because that is the truth!

A letter from God the Father

Yesterday and today God the Father has given me a letter in poetry. Normally I don’t post these kind of poems/pieces because it is very personal. Today however I made the decision to share a recent one with you. I made this decision because I am fully aware that, what God the Father shared with me, can help many others as well. There are many people with hurt, grieve, questions and pain searching for comfort and love. And God the Father, through His Son Jesus Christ, can give you just that. I am merely the vessel, a messenger that wants to share God’s love with the world, the only way I know how…writing. In particular poetry.
I hope these words will help you, comfort you and surround you with God’s everlasting love. I pray they will strengthen you and bring peace.

A letter from your Father

Your heart is broken.
Like a porcelain cup,
your soul lays shattered,
on the marble floor,
of a palace that was once,
your home.

Like a child in the arms of his mother,
I want to take you in Mine,
rocking you to sleep in My love,
for your tears are hurting Me!

Have I gone too far, I wonder?
Has your image blurred in My sight?

Your thoughts are unanswered questions –
pieces of an incomplete puzzle.
Longing for the full picture,
you fire arrows at Me,
to confiscate the truth.

Unhurt is the heart of an unaware soul,
but safety will not protect you from sorrows.
In the stillness of My heart I cry for you,
counting the days until I can bring you back home.

In this maze we are running towards each other,
and with open arms I will catch you in your flight.

Do not try to find the answers My child,
but let the answers find its way to you.
Do not be sad My child,
for how can I forget My own heart?
The pain inflicted on you,
could never rob you out of My arms!

I hold you tight in the storm,
and tell you for once and for all,
that I will never let you go!

The world may be a stranger to you,
unaware of the beauty of your soul.
Darling, they don’t know you like I do!

Remember that love cannot be forced,
it can only be found in unexpected places.
Embrace the places of love,
and let go of the indifference towards you.

Open the door of your heart,
so love and light can find its way in.
Grieve is a temporary companion,
that you have hold on to for too long.
Allow Me to take its place instead.
Let Me take the pain,
to exchange it for My love.

The world cannot change who you are,
so do not fear their judgement.
Find peace in who I made you to be –
in the love I carry in My heart.

Spread your wings and fly, My child,
and find shelter in the shadows of My own wings.

My love for you is unexplainable in words,
uncountable like the stars in the universe.
Live out of My love,
let it be the food you eat,
and the air you breath,
for it is there where you will find your peace.

My child, I could go on an infinity longer,
but let this be enough.
Let this letter be the fuel to your heart,
where you will never give up.
Keep on writing for Me, My dearest child,
for the world has you for a reason.
Never lose sight of your purpose,
and live your life with love.

Always and forever,
I AM,
your Father.

Born to write!

Every word

Effortless are the words, I write.
Like oxygen that bubbles to the surface,
ready to be released to the world,
Your words are nestled in my heart,
like young birds ready to fly out.

Closing my eyes, I listen.
I hear Your voice in the wind,
in the birds in the air,
in the many faces I connect with.
I listen to Your voice,
wherever I go.

My pen is my only companion.
Without paper I cannot leave the house.
I write with my heart.
I write from the soul.
The words from You, Father,
have become my own.

Poem after poem,
letter after letter,
word after word.
I connect with You.
I learn from You.
I remember You.

Effortless are the words, I write.
The oxygen that fills my heart,
bursts out into the world.
The power is not my own,
I cannot take credit for the words.
All I can do is write them down.

I breathe Your words,
and with love I release it like a dove,
into a world who needs You.

Let Your words touch the hearts,
open the hearts for Your love,
pour out Your generous mercy,
so Your light will attract the faces,
of all of Your children.

Father, I am Your daughter,
seeking Your children.
And for every heart I find,
I write,
every word.

With this poem I wanted to explain what writing means to me. I was born to write in every sense of the word. Even though I didn’t like writing as a child, I was called to write by Jesus, at the age of five! I guess Jesus knows me a lot better than I know myself.

Today I cannot imagine my life without writing. Even if I could never release my poetry book, I would still write. I would still hope for a miracle. For a way for people to read it. All I ever wanted was to touch people’s hearts with the words God gave me. I know that getting dreams and visions is a great privilege! Because of that privilege I want to share with people what God shows me. What God shows me can help others too! That I know for a fact. I just want people to understand God’s love! That is why I write. Regardless of what happens to me in my life, I need to write. This blog is such a blessing to me. It is a beautiful way to share a small part of what I wrote with the world! And for that I am grateful!

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It means a lot to me! Thank you!