With Gentle Force

Finding my purpose in life seemed so easy. Jesus simply told me what to do when I was five years old (see previous blogs) and all I had to do was to execute the plan. But it was not that simple! 

Let’s be honest, I am not a bible teacher – nor any other kind of teacher – and I am not a fictional writer either. My speaking abilities leave to wishes – I couldn’t hold my first speech at age 7 and I unfortunately never progressed either – but I am great with one on one conversations though. I never went to a bible school nor a theological school or study of any kind. In fact I didn’t even want to be a poet, I wanted to be a nurse. Yes I received dreams and visions, my abilities to communicate with God were highly developed but I didn’t see myself as a disciple of any sort. So when it was time to chose my future after middle/high school, I chose Health Care. Helping people and taking care of them had a more charming appeal on me than writing poetry ever did. I finished my study and got a job very quickly but then it happened. I got diagnosed with fybromyagia and was advised to stop working in that field. 

After trying another study, a job at a local supermarket and two jobs in administration, I got very discouraged. What in the world was I supposed to do except for writing? You see, writing was not an option. I wanted to be a “normal” girl. I had no intentions of standing out or being viscible. None whatsoever. I just wanted to live my life in peace and quiet with my family and some friends and that’s it. But God still had a plan with me. Regardless of whether I wanted it or not, God had His mind set on His plan for my life. He directed every step in such a gentle way that one could easily call it; coincedence. At the age of 25 I finally, reluctantly, agreed to pick up on writing again. As soon as I did, a fire of passion entered my heart as I never felt it before. This really was what I was supposed to do. 

Even when I finally agreed to do God’s will, my battle wasn’t over yet. I still wasn’t convinced that I was up for the job. I cannot tell you how many times, I begged God to pick someone else. Someone better than me with more skills. And still God gently nudged me in the direction of writing. 

In fact He still does. I am still not 100% convinced of my calling but writing makes me so happy. I still doubt because I still don’t get anything back for it. I know that I am a good writer but it doesn’t put food on the table so I doubt. I doubt and look for other ways. But that little fire in my heart still burns too bright. God’s will is still stronger than my own. So I still continue this journey. The poem “Gentle Force” is about these struggles. The fight of finding your purpose and holding on during that journey. It is so easy to give up. Giving up is the broad road, the easy way out. But to keep going and not giving up is the small path. And it is that small path that will bring you much further in life. 

Gentle force.

Love shows directions,
but my feet weakly stumble.
The bird shows the way,
if only I would follow him.
Light shows the path,
but my eyes are searching for another.
At the crossroad of life,
I wonder when I lost my way,
and ignoring the signals,
my soul loses its destination.

Love shows directions,
in the lost signals.
The bird waits for its time.
The light waits for its cue.

When I least expect it,
wings of light touch me,
pushing me in the right direction.
When I least expect it,
Your light opens my eyes,
to see the signs in front of me.
When I least expect it,
You plant a seed deep in my heart,
growing me in Your light.  

Directions are found,
in the signs of love,
where it guides you,
with gentle force. 


Inside the box

In my life I have always felt that I was different. I felt as if things were never the same for me as they were for others. As a child I tried to blend in and as a teenager even more so. I never had the courage to stand out because I was afraid. Afraid that people would get angry at me. Especially as a teenager I was often excluded, laughed at and at times intimidated. Not just by my peers by also by adults. Trust me when I say, there are certain things that you will never forget.

So out of fear of being excluded, laughed at or hated, I would simply try to blend in. Even when this was not in line with what God would ask from me. God asked me to be a writer – a poet –  but for a long time, I would refuse. Even today I still have moments where I want to give up. These moments are often when people talk behind my back in a negative way and I hear all about it, or when people question me face-to-face. People can be quite convincing. And often I understand their point of view. But then there is God asking something different from me and I get confused about what to do. I remember this one time, when I told my mom: “Life is a battle where it is me and God against the world”. Luckily my mother often listened to me and she would support me in every way that she could. I could really tell her everything because I knew she loved me and I trusted her.

Yet many people are not like my mom. Many people talk behind my back and it is not positive. The prejudices and opinions they have about me are based upon their own insecurity. But still it hurts. Life for me is like living between two fires. The fire of God and the fire of evil. And it is a tough battle.

Still the fire of God is greater. My passion to do God’s will still exceeds everything else. For as long as I can remember I had only one ambition in life; to bring a smile to my Fathers face. And with my Father, I mean God the Father. If I could just put a smile on His face, I would have done the best job that I could possible do. In one of my dreams God said: “the only way that leads to eternity is the small way”. So even if it is difficult to do what God asks you to do, don’t give up. With God everything is possible and God will never leave what He once started. It is better to have faith in God than in people!

Today I wrote a poem about this. It is a poem about my story. I have a huge passion for God the Father, for Jesus and for the Holy Spirit. My love for God makes my heart burst, but so many have tried to stop me through the years. I may be a woman, I may have never been to a prominent bible school or theological study, I may not life up to people’s expectations but I know – with a 100% certainty – that God is greater than my circumstances. God loves me and He will make a way where there is no way. And if you are in the same situation as me? If you feel the same way? Than please know that God is almighty! He loves you! He can and will do amazing things in your life, that may seem impossible. Do not give up! Never! Think outside the box!

Inside the box

Inside the box,
the noose around my neck tightens.
Trying to settle in,
the small nook is too cramped,
and all I want to do,
is to leave this small space.

All eyes tell a different story,
but when they look at me,
all their stories are the same.
Stuck in prejudices and opinions,
war is either neglect,
or fight back.
Who will love me as I am?

Traditions are for keeping,
but not if they suffocate the soul.
When everything is the same,
we are in desperate need of change.
Evolving is teaching yourself to be better,
learning is allowing yourself to grow,
for growth is a never-ending story.

Inside the box,
where I am unable to grow,
I look out into infinity,
where God asks me to live,
in His divine library,
where His great wisdom,
will lead me to eternity.

Born to write!

Every word

Effortless are the words, I write.
Like oxygen that bubbles to the surface,
ready to be released to the world,
Your words are nestled in my heart,
like young birds ready to fly out.

Closing my eyes, I listen.
I hear Your voice in the wind,
in the birds in the air,
in the many faces I connect with.
I listen to Your voice,
wherever I go.

My pen is my only companion.
Without paper I cannot leave the house.
I write with my heart.
I write from the soul.
The words from You, Father,
have become my own.

Poem after poem,
letter after letter,
word after word.
I connect with You.
I learn from You.
I remember You.

Effortless are the words, I write.
The oxygen that fills my heart,
bursts out into the world.
The power is not my own,
I cannot take credit for the words.
All I can do is write them down.

I breathe Your words,
and with love I release it like a dove,
into a world who needs You.

Let Your words touch the hearts,
open the hearts for Your love,
pour out Your generous mercy,
so Your light will attract the faces,
of all of Your children.

Father, I am Your daughter,
seeking Your children.
And for every heart I find,
I write,
every word.

With this poem I wanted to explain what writing means to me. I was born to write in every sense of the word. Even though I didn’t like writing as a child, I was called to write by Jesus, at the age of five! I guess Jesus knows me a lot better than I know myself.

Today I cannot imagine my life without writing. Even if I could never release my poetry book, I would still write. I would still hope for a miracle. For a way for people to read it. All I ever wanted was to touch people’s hearts with the words God gave me. I know that getting dreams and visions is a great privilege! Because of that privilege I want to share with people what God shows me. What God shows me can help others too! That I know for a fact. I just want people to understand God’s love! That is why I write. Regardless of what happens to me in my life, I need to write. This blog is such a blessing to me. It is a beautiful way to share a small part of what I wrote with the world! And for that I am grateful!

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It means a lot to me! Thank you!

 

Dessert Journey

I know I should be writing a blog about the New Year. A change from one year into another. Leaving the old behind and something new coming. But I rather wanted to share the following poem.

At the moment I am reading the book Exodus (Holy Bible, I am reading the Old Testament at the moment) and I remembered writing this poem a couple of years back. The poem is about the journey of the Israelites through the desert. From the Red Sea to the Jordan river. For a long time I wanted to write a poem about that part of the bible but I struggled for a while to find the words. When the time was there God gave me the words that I needed and I wrote this poem.

In a way it is about leaving behind the old and the journey towards something new. In our life we may all leave an old life behind and journey towards a new and better life with God. It may not always be easy but the Land of Milk and Honey that is awaiting us at the end of our journey is more than worth it!   Enjoy!

 

Dessert journey.

The golden hills,
of yellow sand,
have turned the wilderness
into my home.
My bed is a tent,
and the scorching heat,
my blanket for the night.
I am walking the plains,
following a cloud,
by day and by night.

But my enemy became,
my greatest teacher,
he learns me to have faith,
and to trust my Creator.
For the Lord is greater,
than my enemy could ever be.
He brings me water to drink,
and food to eat,
to keep me standing,
on my journey.

My destination,
is in my heart,
overflowing,
with milk and honey.
My future is set,
my journey is endless.
Lessons to be learned,
rules to be remembered,
keep me going,
along the way.

The dessert is my home,
a land my destination,
I am traveling,
from oasis to oasis.
Dreaming of what is to come,
I am following,
the Almighty Savior,
all the days of my life,
to the end of the world,
across the golden hills.

 

Face to face with God

Many Christians and especially Christian Pastors are saying that a human being cannot see God and live. Last sunday in church I had to listen to these words once again. And even though I do not like to talk about it, I feel as if I have to. Because I saw God the Father face to face…and lived to tell the story!

Truly I tell you, I am not defending myself. All I want is to change people’s perspective a little. Because God is a God of love. He wants a personal relationship with people. That is why I am telling my story. Through this blog I am hand-delivering puzzle pieces of my life for you to put together. And whether or not you believe me, is entirely up to you.

It happened about two and a half years ago. As usual I was writing poetry when I received a vision from God. I saw myself walking at the hand of God the Father, Yahweh/Yahovah. We were walking across a path next to a forest and He was showing me things like birds and squirrels and such. As I was watching this I thought, Could I? In those two words I thought, Could I turn my head and see Him? Before I could finish my thought, in one bold move, I turned my head. To my own surprise I looked the Father straight in the eyes. I saw Him the way one would look at a photograph. He had white hair (platinum white, close to gold), a little like sheep wool and it went a little over His shoulder. His eyes stood out to me. His eyes were crystal blue and shimmering like the sun. His face had no wrinkles and yet I could see age in it. He looked young and old, both at the exact same time. His frame was thin maybe weak even. Yet at the same time, He looked stronger than anybody I had ever seen. Love was shining in His entire countenance. At the same time as love, I saw holiness and almightiness. He is literally all in one and one in all. And what surprised me most of all is that I could see a reflection of myself in His face. I saw the Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth and at the same time…I saw my Father.

As the vision left me, I tried to write it down in poetry. But words can never truly define the Father. My words could and never will do Him justice!

Around the same time, perhaps a few months earlier, I ask God a question. As I have told you many times, I have been through a lot and I am still dealing with many things in my life. So I asked God one day, with all the honesty and sincerity in my heart, “Father, why did my life go the way it did? Why me? Why this way?” Immediately I heard God’s voice saying, “God’s daughter, daughter of God”. Even though I instantly understood what God was trying to say, I dropped the thought at once. Not me! Not I! But a couple of months later I had a vision where God showed me the way I look in Heaven. Again a couple of months later, as I was surfing the internet, I was looking up names and their meaning. I stumbled upon the name ‘Batyah’. The meaning of this name was, ‘God’s daughter, daughter of God. It didn’t hit me until exactly a year after I asked God my question. I am Batyah. It is a name/nickname that God has for me. It is the way He sees me! When He looks at me He sees His daughter. Not just any ordinary girl. What is very telling is that I have always considered myself a sinner saved by grace. I was a adopted into God’s family through the blood and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Nothing more nothing less. But here was God saying, “Yes you are, but you are also really my daughter. It got a complete new meaning for me. I wasn’t just one out of many. But for God I was His.

Like I said, I hardly ever talk about this. Probably more out of fear than out of humility. The fear of what people might say or think when I do talk about it. But I hope so much that telling my story will shift something inside your heart. I hope you will learn to see yourself as a true child of God. You are not just one out of many. For God you are His one and only. No accident but a carefully constructed plan by the Father Himself. He put all His effort, love and joy in creating you. You are truly loved. Don’t ever forget that!

May love guide your steps to eternal life!

Let me be

Let me be

Give me peace, Lord,
give me peace!
Let me be,
let me stay.
Love and embrace,
the creation of Your hand!

Let me be,
simply me,
both for You,
and for me.
Let me be,
Let me be Yours!

Let me be,
happy in me,
poor and free,
let me be,
me in You,
and You in me,
Let me be,
Always Yours!

Give me love, Lord,
give me love,
both for You,
and those around me,
Let me love,
Just like You,
Let me be,
Simply me,
Let me be love!

 

I wrote this poem a couple of years back and it still touches me, every time I read it. It feels like a caterpillar in a cocoon impatiently waiting to come out of his shell. I wrote it straight from the heart. And I think that every single one of us, one way or another, holds back. There are only a handful of people truly able to be who they really are for 100%. So I think it is a great message for all of us. It is time to crawl out of our own handmade cocoon and be the butterfly that God created us to be. Even when this is easier said than done. How difficult the road may be, or might have been, I believe there is always a way back to our true self. We don’t ever lose ourselves! Sometimes we just decided to step away for a while only to realize that who we really are was the best option after all. When you are at that place in your life where you feel like going back to your roots, let me encourage you! Don’t hesitate and don’t let fear stop you. And if necessary, allow someone to help you (a family member, a friend, someone from church, a team mate from your sport club or a therapist). Together you are always stronger than alone. And other people might have a view that you haven’t seen yet.

Let Love be your guidance!

How I deal with anxiety and stress.

This time of year is a busy one. We hardly have any time to relax because we are simply too occupied with too many things. Work, Christmas preparations, children (if you have them) and more. There is no time to breath. I don’t know about you but this is my reality. For the record, I do not have children but I do feel very busy. So busy in fact that I feel something, or rather someone, inside of me plea for a break. A moment to relax. Some peaceful time. And I would truly love to give myself a minute but too many things are asking for my attention. But do they really? Or is it my own desire to show the world a perfect picture of myself?

This is the question that has been going through my mind in the last couple of weeks. The reason why I started pondering about this subject is because a month ago I felt the Holy Spirit ask me to cancel something from church. I felt miserable, especially since I do go very often. I hardly ever skip. It bothered me so much that I felt anxiety attacks coming up. Something inside of me was whispering that I had to go. What if I miss something important? What if they will stop liking me because I didn’t go? Seriously the craziest ideas came to mind. Ideas that forced me to stop myself and think very carefully!

In my early twenties I was diagnosed with a General Anxiety Disorder. Even though I haven’t noticed it for at least five years, I gradually recognised that it is back. A year ago I had to have a wisdom tooth pulled out and it was such a traumatizing experience that my anxiety disorder came back in full force. My mistake was that I ignored it for too long. I know the signs and symptoms but I stuck my head in the sand. Until I was in it so deep that I couldn’t ignore it any longer. A stupid act on my part, especially since I have the skills to deal with it. (skills I learned in therapy) If I would have applied these skills early on, it would not have gone this far.

The skills I learned are easy. Whenever I become afraid I ask myself questions. Why am I afraid? What happens when my fair becomes a reality? And what is so bad about that? After asking myself these questions, I search for ways to turn my thinking around. By slowly changing the thoughts in my mind, I change my perception also. For example; I am afraid to cancel a get-together from church because I am afraid that people will stop liking me. The first question I ask myself is, what will happen if people indeed stop liking me? Well I would feel pretty bad about myself. I would also feel very alone.
Okay, next question. What happens if you feel bad about yourself? What happens if you feel alone? Nothing. Nothing would happen.
Another question. Is it rational to be feeling these feelings? No because in reality I am not alone. If some people won’t like me, I still have plenty of other people left who will. People like my mom and dad, brothers, sisters-in-law, nephews, nieces, grandmother, my good friend. On top of that I will always have God. God will never stop liking me. So my feelings aren’t rational.
By repeating these questions, I can slowly change my perception. In the end, the fear will become smaller and smaller, and often even disappear.

What also helps me is to reduce stress by planning moments of rest. It can be tricky at times but it is so valuable. Our bodies and minds need rest from time to time in order to recharge. Without rest, we would be developing a burn-out in seconds rather than minutes. I am learning therefore that it is good to say, “No” at times. In this case, I said no to church, to give my mind a moment of rest. You know what the point is? Our bodies may be able to handle a lot of stress but that doesn’t mean that our minds are the same! Sometimes we can physically deal with a lot of work, while we mentally feel tired and weak. We have to try and find a balance in our life, where we can be meaningful and stress-free at the same time. A balance between duties (work, activities, family etc.) and rest.

I started my blog with a question. Am I really so busy or is it my own desire to show a perfect picture? I say yes. I am trying to show a perfect picture. I am trying to prove myself to everyone. I am trying to prove that I am worth it. But is this a rational thought? No because I am worthful for God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I do not need to prove myself in order to be loved. God the Father said it Himself two months ago, “I love you regardless of what you do”. I do not have to earn His love. I receive it for free.
And you know what! My parents also love me. And so do my brothers, even if they forget to show me sometimes. I have God (three-in-one) and a loving family. What more do I need? The only person I need to convince that I am worthy is myself. It doesn’t matter what other people think of me. What is most important, is what I think about myself! If I keep on finding my own inner happiness, I will be just fine.

“I see the sunflower in you. And all I ask, is for you to see it to”. (From the poem ‘The Sunflower, spoken to me by God the Father)

All I ever wanted…

All I ever wanted.

All I ever wanted is,
to give my heart and soul to you.
All I ever wanted is,
to do the best job I can do.
All I want to give to you,
my life and so much more,
But after all the earthy setbacks,
Father, I am not so sure.

Everything I ever did,
has turned to sandy dessert dust.
Everything I ever tried,
and I’m still having to adjust.
After every one of my attempts,
what is there that I can give you?
I am standing here with empty hands,
there is nothing more that I can do.

The mission that You gave to me,
I feel is desperately failing,
And even though I fight so hard,
all my heart can do is wailing.
Father, I don’t want to give it up.
but all my weary eyes can see,
is not You, my dearest Abba,
but the friendly people fighting me.

All I ever want to give You,
is everything that You deserve,
But Abba Father help me,
to find the way for me to serve.
Forgive the friendly people,
and keep them in a warm embrace,
because all I ever wanted them to see,
is Your hope and everlasting grace!

This poem, a prayer, I wrote around the age of 25/26 years old, shortly after I started writing again. And sometimes I still feel this way. As a daughter of God called to a life of serving Him, it is not always easy to persevere. There are so many times when you feel like giving up. In these moments of doubt, confusion and frustration, prayer is so important! You know, God understands these moments of doubt. Both God the Father and Jesus do. Remember how Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane and He prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39) Even Jesus, in His deep fear, went straight to His Father for help. Just like Jesus we may bring our helplessness to the Father in prayer! We may lift our troubles up in prayer in the great knowledge that God will help us through the power of the Holy Spirit! Often when I am feeling weak, I also feel the Holy Spirit very close to me, encouraging me to move forward despite my fear and doubts.

Ever since I was a little girl I was touched by a part of Matthew 28. The part I am talking about is, ‘Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”(Matthew 28:18-20) Every single time I heard these verses, even as a little girl, I had the chills running down my spine, fire blazing in my heart and the deep desire to put these words of Jesus into practice. Whenever I am feeling afraid and doubtful, these verses help me out a lot. This is exactly why I keep on moving forward. This is exactly why I haven’t given up. Poetry is such a beautiful way to bring people closer to Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit! It is my way of putting Matthew 28:18-20 into practice. It is my gift back to God!