My heart is like a vase and last thursday it shattered into a million shards. Last thursday was the day my mother heard that her cancer is malignant. It has already spread throughout her body. The cancer is not just in her neck but also in her lungs, liver, behind her sternum and in her brain. In one single moment, my world came crashing down. My heart broke and tears kept coming. How I feel today?
Today, five days later, I still don’t exactly know how I feel. One moment I feel relatively calm, and the next I feel broken. My mother has been given several months, whatever that means, but at this point I rather lay it in God’s hands. I am grateful for every day that I still get with her, but sometimes the fear and hurt of losing her stabs me right in the heart. There are no words that can adequately describe how I feel, but this kind of sums it up.
To my surprise I don’t feel angry. So many people suffer from cancer, we are not alone in this battle. But I do feel a certain unjust. My mother is the sweetest soul that ever lived and her heart for others is so big. In my heart it feels unfair that this had to happen to her. So many questions flutter through my mind. Questions that I will most likely never get an answer to. Questions that probably don’t even matter now. And even though I will never get an answer, I am still not angry. God is with us. Even now, in this extremely unfair moment. God will carry us through this. God will carry my mom, my dad, my brothers, my sisters-in-law, my nephews, my nieces and myself through this. I trust Him, even when trusting feels really hard to do.
Right after my mom had her very first puncture (she had two), I had a conversation with Jesus early in the morning. I told Him that I was worried about my mom. He said, “Your mother will be fine, don’t worry about her. She is going to be okay”. For me, the definition of, “she is going to be okay”, meant that she was going to be healthy. So when we got the news last thursday, that she was given several months, I was downright angry at Jesus. I yelled at Him and said, “You promised. You said that she was going to be okay”. This was so difficult for me. How can Jesus say that my mom is going to be fine, if she is going to die? I needed some time to process this.
After two days both my dad and God the Father helped me to come to terms with this. What both of them told me is, your definition of good is different that God’s definition of good. God the Father reminded me of what I know of Heaven and reminded me how good it is to be there. Whatever happens – even when she is going to Heaven- she IS going to be okay. Jesus was telling me the truth, even when the truth was really hard to accept.
The truth is still hard to accept though. In my mind, I am the best person to take care of my mom. What I have to learn is that Jesus is the best person to take care of my mom, not me! This will take a lot of time and effort on my part. I am still sad at times and I still need time to process everything that happened this past week. Luckily Jesus loves me so much that He is more than willing to give me that time. Besides I can always talk to Him and He is always there to answer my questions, give me His love and to wrap me up in His loving embrace when I need it. I will come out of this so much stronger, but the road to victory sure is a difficult one.
For now I am grateful for every day that I still get with my mom. She has no pain at the moment, her rheum is the only pain she has. She feels good and is still able to do her daily activities. We pray for many more of these days and we pray for no pain. And I hope you will pray with us. These days are difficult but with God by our side, we will make it through this.