An ever present companion

Today, as I was standing in church, someone came up to me and asked me how I was. This may not be so extraordinary to you, but to me it is. In church people rarely talk to me. And I really mean…ME! Yes they say hello or inquire after my parents but they rarely speak to me.
It has always been that way. Somehow I don´t make friends easily. Yes, I have had friends in school but I always learned in the end that they were not my real friends. The amount of times I felt laughed at and ridiculed, I cannot tell you. At some point I simply stopped counting the times. But the words I never forgot, and to this day, those words are still haunting me at times. It often comes up in my mind when I am feeling insecure.
Those times I was “bullied” (not just by kids my own age but also by adults, who should have known better!), they have created a huge distrust towards people inside of me. People I should have been able to trust, appeared to be unreliable and mean. But people I didn’t trust, never got a chance to be a friend. It has literally turned my life upside down.
For a great part of my life, I have lived with this, at times suffocating, loneliness. But it was in those times of loneliness that God was very close. God was not just the Almighty Creator of Heaven and earth, He was often also a Father, a Brother and a Friend. He was all in one for me. Always there to make sure that I would feel loved. God always made sure that I didn’t feel alone. God saved my life in so many ways that I could never find a true way to properly say, “Thank You”.
The poem ‘Loneliness’ is about; how I felt in those moments of suffocating loneliness. I wrote it a couple of years ago, when I had just started writing again. I hope that it will bring love and hope to you in your own loneliness. And I hope it will make you see that with God, you are never really alone!


My eyes can only see,
togetherness in bloom.
The bunch of roses show,
just one carnation in the room.

Not accepted by the world,
dwelling in my desolation,
my feet are wandering forth,
searching for salvation.

But loneliness is hunting me,
Like a lion hunts its prey,
where I go and what I do,
It never goes away.

drowning in my loneliness,
feeling that I’m not alone,
rescuing me to the shore,
a love I’ve never known.

He brings me in His presence,
my heart is filled with praise.
My God who took my loneliness,
replaced it with His grace.



The first-born view

The first-born view

 In front of the south gate,
the platform shows a change –
nature made room for a city.

I miss the green grass smile at me,
and my heart longs for the first-born view.

Sitting on the edge my feet swing,
on the angelic melody that soothes my soul.

Discomfort is born out of fear,
preventing my heart to settle down,
for this view is more than I ever saw before.

Searching for stability in this dizzying sight,
Your eyes interlock with mine,
and Your smile sends a heartwarming invitation.

Standing at the top of the stairway,
I wonder if I can let go,
of everything I ever knew.

Born in the first-born view,
is the request for change.

Inside the shell

Inside the shell

I am a pearl inside a shell.
Who will open me up?

Effortless footprints,
are washed away by the sea.
Who will bring them back?

Forgotten memories,
are like sprouted seeds.
Who will plant the seedlings?

If only the flower could grow,
on the breath of the wind,
she wouldn’t lose her petals in the storm.

Now I must learn to walk again,
but I cannot find the cane.
Who will teach me the steps?

If healing would have a guideline,
we would not need the Hands.
We would not know the Love.

Only Love can plant the seedlings.
Only patience can let it grow.
But the pearl can only be seen,
if I learn to see the effortless footprints,
inside the shell.


The only sense of true reality

The only sense of true reality

In the deafening silence,
when all time stands still,
the world stops turning,
around its own axis,
and the image freezes in the snow.

Breaking through dimensions,
Your voice pierces through time,
like a bolt of light,
breaking through the earth.
But only I can hear You.

Gentleness is a strength,
in a size unable to measure.
How can a mountain fit in a box?
How can a house fit in a purse?
The inability to hold reality,
confuses the mind,
until it meets the inability,
to understand.

But when I hear Your voice,
Your vision is the only reality,
that I truly understand.
Your gentleness is the only coat,
that seems to fit.

Nobody wants to hear me.
Nobody seems to understand,
the truth of this reality.
They hold on to the bricks,
in a fear to fall down the cliff.
I wish they could see,
that the ground is only one feet,
underneath their own reality.

Love is guidance,
where you learn to let go.
Kicking the dust of my feet,
my focus shifts back to You,
the only sense of true reality.


A couple of years ago I sat down with Revelations 21 and turned it into a poem. The reason I did this is my love for God the Father, Jesus and Heaven. With all the visions that God showed me in my mind, the words of Revelation 21 are simply amazing. There is such hope and beauty in these words. One day God will establish a new Jerusalem where there will always be peace and love. Isn’t that something to look forward to?
That day we will all be living with Jesus and God the Father in this gorgeous paradise. Personally I can’t wait! This perspective inspired these words. And I hope that it will inspire you too.


 Jerusalem, Jerusalem,
Dear city made of gold.
Your doors of pearl,
they shine so bright,
it’s more than can behold.

Jerusalem, Jerusalem,
descending from above,
dressed like a bride,
your mighty glow,
is bringing me God’s love.

Jerusalem, Jerusalem,
with gemstones you are dressed,
you give us peace,
We praise the Lord,
For He has made you blessed.

Jerusalem, Jerusalem,
No longer can we wait,
Let’s change our hearts,
and praise the Lord,
before it is too late.

My greatest love

This poem is my love letter to God the Father. He is the greatest love I ever knew and will ever know. Dearly Beloved Father, I love You!

My greatest love.

The dawn shouts words of praise,
the sunset sings her songs of joy,
angel voices move the waves,
of Your oceans filled with love and grace.
If I would count the grains of sand,
to show the world how great You are,
The world would not be big enough,
the beaches not to wide and far.

You are my candle in the darkness,
my sun and moon up in the sky,
combined with all the twinkling stars,
Your heart shines in my darkest night.
You guide my way throughout my life,
with You I walk through fear and grief.
My protection is Your shining light,
Your whispering words  my great relief.

You are the oxygen that fills my lungs,
the blood that streams through all my veins,
My heart beats only when You want it to,
I find all my tears upon Your face.
With every fiber of my heart and soul,
I trust my life upon You,
You are my dearly beloved Father,
the greatest love I ever knew.


On a difficult journey

My heart is like a vase and last thursday it shattered into a million shards. Last thursday was the day my mother heard that her cancer is malignant. It has already spread throughout her body. The cancer is not just in her neck but also in her lungs, liver, behind her sternum and in her brain. In one single moment, my world came crashing down. My heart broke and tears kept coming. How I feel today?
Today, five days later, I still don’t exactly know how I feel. One moment I feel relatively calm, and the next I feel broken. My mother has been given several months, whatever that means, but at this point I rather lay it in God’s hands. I am grateful for every day that I still get with her, but sometimes the fear and hurt of losing her stabs me right in the heart. There are no words that can adequately describe how I feel, but this kind of sums it up.

To my surprise I don’t feel angry. So many people suffer from cancer, we are not alone in this battle. But I do feel a certain unjust. My mother is the sweetest soul that ever lived and her heart for others is so big. In my heart it feels unfair that this had to happen to her. So many questions flutter through my mind. Questions that I will most likely never get an answer to. Questions that probably don’t even matter now. And even though I will never get an answer, I am still not angry. God is with us. Even now, in this extremely unfair moment. God will carry us through this. God will carry my mom, my dad, my brothers, my sisters-in-law, my nephews, my nieces and myself through this. I trust Him, even when trusting feels really hard to do.

Right after my mom had her very first puncture (she had two), I had a conversation with Jesus early in the morning. I told Him that I was worried about my mom. He said, “Your mother will be fine, don’t worry about her. She is going to be okay”. For me, the definition of,  “she is going to be okay”, meant that she was going to be healthy. So when we got the news last thursday, that she was given several months, I was downright angry at Jesus. I yelled at Him and said, “You promised. You said that she was going to be okay”. This was so difficult for me. How can Jesus say that my mom is going to be fine, if she is going to die? I needed some time to process this.
After two days both my dad and God the Father helped me to come to terms with this. What both of them told me is, your definition of good is different that God’s definition of good. God the Father reminded me of what I know of Heaven and  reminded me how good it is to be there. Whatever happens – even when she is going to Heaven- she IS going to be okay. Jesus was telling me the truth, even when the truth was really hard to accept.

The truth is still hard to accept though. In my mind, I am the best person to take care of my mom. What I have to learn is that Jesus is the best person to take care of my mom, not me! This will take a lot of time and effort on my part. I am still sad at times and I still need time to process everything that happened this past week. Luckily Jesus loves me so much that He is more than willing to give me that time. Besides I can always talk to Him and He is always there to answer my questions, give me His love and to wrap me up in His loving embrace when I need it. I will come out of this so much stronger, but the road to victory sure is a difficult one.

For now I am grateful for every day that I still get with my mom. She has no pain at the moment, her rheum is the only pain she has. She feels good and is still able to do her daily activities. We pray for many more of these days and we pray for no pain. And I hope you will pray with us. These days are difficult but with God by our side, we will make it through this.