Patience is one characteristic that I do not manage completely. In the cue at the pay desk I can be very patient. When I was still a health care nurse in retirement homes, patience was my middle name. But when it comes up to God’s plan in my life, I am not so very patient. This afternoon for example I have been working on a new project. It was an idea that I already had for a little while. And even though I am a very positive person who does not easily give up, my patience was tested to the limit. Nothing I tried worked! And that brought a lot of impatience and frustration.
You see, sometimes I just don’t understand it. If God wants me to publish a book, be a writer, couldn’t He just cooperate a little? Lately I have been feeling as if everything just does not seem to work out. Very frustrating. Especially since I have been trying to do the best I can.
The thing is that I care about my work. Which is funny because when I started writing as a child, I didn’t like it so much. I was good at writing and it matched a melody deep in my heart. My love for writing had to grow. Which it did. Especially the last six and a half years it did. Writing has not just been a way to express my feelings. It is also a way to communicate with God. To me writing is all emotions expressed. It is sadness, joy, honesty, growth. Writing is the air I breath and the blood that streams through my veins. Even though it did not start out that way, it grew over the years. More and more I am facing the fact that writing fits me. When Jesus called me at the age of five, I didn’t quite understand why He wanted me to write but now I do.
Today I agree with Him completely. He chose the perfect job for me. The only thing I lack to understand is why nothing seems to work out. If Jesus wants me to write a book than why does He seem so far away in making it happen? People say that I am very intelligent and my faith is extraordinary but some things I just don’t understand. And my lack of understanding makes me frustrated. The essence; the root of impatience is a lack of understanding!
And I would love to understand. I would love to see the truth in all this. Trust me I have prayed over and over again for insight…for the truth…but so far the Heavens have remained so silent that you could hear a pin drop. No answer only silence.
I know many Christians would say, “Sweetie you just need to have faith”, but you know what, that is easier said than done. I have been waiting for such a long time now. Waiting, fighting, searching for answers and solutions with perseverance and faith. And yet it has not been enough.
This really makes one doubt its mission. But looking back at my life, and the things Jesus and the Father told me, I know with 100% certainty that I am on the right track. Jesus once said that the only path that leads to eternal life is the small path. Well I can safely say that my path really is a narrow one, where I sometimes wonder if God will leave some space for me to walk. But I have to believe it. I have to believe that God will keep His promise. The way I see it is that satan will do everything he can to keep us away from God. It is not God that keeps me from succeeding but it is satan. And if I give but one inch, I will lose this entire battle. Like I said, I am positive and persevering. I do not give up. Not now, not ever! I will keep on fighting for God, for my life, for my mission, my work. I will finish this race-with-so-many-hurdles. Even if the road sometimes makes me stop, cry and wonder if the finish line will every be in sight, I will not give up. Patience is something I can learn and if it takes me a lifetime to learn it, I will do just that!