I don’t know what to say or where to begin today. Too many insecurities are plaguing me. And the biggest insecurity is myself. That’s how I am sometimes. Sometimes I am my own worst critic, to such an extend that I completely forget to love myself a little.
I am trying to have an open discussion but my answers are taken the wrong way and I feel attacked. Regardless of whether I really am attacked or not, I feel it in my heart. And I think, some people are just more loved than me. Nobody understands me. And I want to give up. But giving up is not an option.
I just want to be honest today. I feel judged all the time because I have been judged to much in my life. I have been rejected, hated, judged, ignored and laughed at, and after all this time I am not so strong anymore. Yet strength is overrated. Jesus said, “My strength will be made perfect in weakness”. So I do not have to be strong. I just have to believe in Jesus.
When I am getting insecure, I can almost feel satan standing next to me saying, “Do you really think that you are good enough? Do you really think that God loves you? How can God love someone like you? You can never do anything right!” And for a moment, a brief moment, I believe him. Because I know that I am not good enough. In that moment I wonder why I keep going on. I wonder why I am still writing, trying, believing. In that brief moment I forget one very crucial element of faith. I do not have to be perfect! Jesus died for my sin because He knew that I couldn’t do it on my own! Through His death I am forgiven. Still… Still, I try to be the perfect girl. Still I try to punish myself. Still I try to work myself into heaven, thinking that Jesus will love me just a little more, if I just try a little harder. And I forget His love. I forget His sacrifice. I forget that His power will be made perfect in weakness. And I let the judgement of the world, fall like a blanket over me, suffocating me in grief.
All I ever wanted was for people to know God’s love. To see how much God loves this world. God allowed me to see many things, hear many things, understand many things. But when I try, I am judged. After every discussion, I end up in tears, because I start doubting myself. Even though I read the bible every day, I pray more than I talk to people and I work for God, satan knows my weakness and uses it to his own personal benefit. I almost hear him say, “Do you hear all these people? They all think differently than you. You are wrong! Give it up!” But I don’t. After everything God showed me and told me, I cannot give it up! I will keeping speaking about God’s love for mankind, whether someone will listen or not. I could show people all they do wrong, but I don’t. It would make me a hypocrite because there are so many things I do wrong as well. I can show people the splinter in their eye but forget the tree in my own!
I live my life a certain way because that is how God taught me. I write about God’s love because that is what He showed me. Jesus asked me to write a book, maybe….just maybe….because I understand God’s love. Love is greater than fear, greater than hate and greater than grief. Love is the greatest of all. That’s what I believe. That is what’s most important to me! So I don’t give up. I stumble forward because I hope that maybe, my writings will learn someone to love a little more. Because maybe Jesus power will be made perfect in my greatest weakness.
Yesterday I saw a picture of Oprah Winfrey. She stood up for kindness. After writing this blog I was reminded of that. So I want to stand up for love because I believe that is what the world needs today. To love each other a little more.